Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Does this post make my butt look big?

It's been a month since my last confession, and many of you are experiencing some kind of strange withdrawal. I understand, and I'm here to help.

I have this pair of the softest, faded, most comfortable and perfectly fitting jeans on the planet. Don't be jealous, it's a once-in-a-lifetime situation, as anyone who has ever shopped for a pair of perfect jeans will attest. I bought them on a whim at a store I would never have thought would carry "The Perfect Jean" but that was what made them even more perfect. PLUS... they were on sale, so I got them for a song.

Alas, this was over three years ago, and I am now wearing parts of them out. Crucial parts that need to be covered. But I love them. They are my friend. I wish never to be parted from them from this day forth... but the thinning material, and fraying places are telling me that we're soon ending our relationship. I lovingly hand wash them inside out and air dry them. In fact, side confessional, they haven't been washed in quite some time. I even hand sewed the top stitching on the front pocket that had come loose. With every stitch, I sent a little bit of love to my jeans. I know you understand.

But... I decided it was time to embark on a search for a new pair. (Cue the horror movie music...)

Nothing can strike fear in my heart, like attempting to buy a new pair of jeans. There was a time when I could walk into Gap, grab a certain size off the shelf, take it home and carelessly throw it on without ever consulting a mirror. That was, until some phychotic designer decided to rework all their pants and create new sizing. It left me scarred and broken. I can't even walk by Gap without getting shaky and pale now. Of course, there was also a time when my stomach was perfectly flat and had no stretch marks. Hence the dire need for perfect denim.

I've never been a fan of the Calvin Klein Jean. They always made my butt look icky. Of course if you're going to take that apart and dissect it... never mind, let's not go down that road. Needless to say, the need for "good butt pocket placement" is critical. You take a pair of jeans with great color, perfect length, good front, but bad butt pockets, the jeans are instantly out. Honestly, does anyone shop for jeans with any other part in mind? Let's just be real here. We all turn around and think, "Does this make my butt look big?" And nobody wants that!

So back to the Calvins... I was at Costco, feeding my children a lunch of free samples, (What? like you've never done it.) stocking up on yoohoo and hummus, when I saw the jeans table. I ran my hand lovingly over the piles of crisply folded jeans, not yet scattered all over the place by frantic Sunday Costco shoppers. There, right in front of me, was a pile of Calvins. I liked the look of the butt pockets, but looks can be deceiving. I unfolded a pair, which happened to be my size, but was a little wary of the tag which read, "Lean Boot Cut." The word "lean" always makes me tremble a little. I doubt any body part I own, could be described as "lean." Well, perhaps my toes. I have very lean toes. They're like zero percent body fat, those toes.

I took a chance and grabbed them. They were a great price, and you just never know. Of course you can't try them on and bend in every direction in front of a three-way mirror at Costco, so you have to take your chances. It's like playing denim roulette.

Once I got home, I tried them on and they appeared to be rather cute. But before I could get excited, I had to know the harsh truth about the butt pockets. No one was around to ask, unless you count a six year old who wears brown and pink striped shirts under an Easter dress and thinks it's beautiful. You just can't trust that.

So I did the next best thing. I confess that I set up my camera, and I put on the self timer. Then I stood perfectly still and took a photo of my own butt.

And you know what? I'm keeping those jeans. And I'm taking my camera with me next time I go to the Gap.

42 comments:

  1. HA! Good for you. That is one of the hardest tasks around and you mastered it girl. You found a winner:) I'm taking a camera with me next time, that's just genius.

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  2. Oh my, girl! I was rolling with laughter this entire post. You are the BEST storyteller ever. Thanks for the chuckle.

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  3. Yes, I too remember the days before kids and being able to go grab a certain size and having it fit perfectly. I'm glad you found the perfect pair.

    Excellent story! And yes, we love Costco lunches;)

    OH and is that what happened at the Gap? I am wearing the usual long and leans that I've bought for a few years and these ones are different and it's not good.

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  4. Hey I'm new to your blog.
    Funny post.

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  5. I must not be normal. i never think of butt pocket placement. Matter of fact, I go out of my way to never ever think about my butt. It's not a good thing Sash!

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  6. better go back and get another pair so when these go south you have a back up pair!!

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  7. Well, I'm not sure how this translates into the US, but in Canada the Gap denim has changed a lot in the past two years (not sure about before that). Not to mention the vanity sizes. I swear i was a size 10 because of my hips when I was 19 and 135lbs and 28 waist (seriously, how on earth was that ever the case I just don't know, I would simply look like a stick bug if I had these measurements now!!) and now I am STILL a size 10 at GAP but now it's 30 inch waist but hmmm, the scale says something different!!!

    so here's the low down: the basic jean is now the Long and Lean. It's gone from low-rise to mid-rise. And there is no more Classic jean. Now it's all about the Curvy fit. But the odd thing I find is that some curvy women fit better in the straight fit jean. But all the denim we carry has some sort of 'stretch' to it. Although you can get it without stretch in the larger stores. I have watched women who look great in everything (used to be us) turn down perfect fitting jeans and I wonder what the criteria for a 'perfect' fit of denim is when you are young like that!!! Certainly it's not just - it's fits well and looks great!! lol

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  8. Awesome Nicole!! I forgot that you worked at Gap... it's like having an inside mole... (grin)

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  9. This is too funny! I found my way to your blog via ASPTL and have had a nice time perusing some of your archives. Your writing style is so enjoyable- honest, funny, sincere- just a pleasure to read!
    This post really had me laughing. I've had jeans/butt issues both big and small (literally). I always felt like my butt was too big for the rest of me- before J. Lo and Beyonce came along and made that a good thing. No, by that time, health issues resulted in the loss of my once curvy backside and I sought to find jeans that actually made me look like I had a little bit of bootie.
    My husband gave me a gift card for Christmas for the sole purpose of buying some jeans and it sits on my kitchen table, mocking me. I know the day of torture that will face me when I am forced to go out and use it.
    Happy New Year, I'm subscribing so I can look forward to reading more of what you have to say!

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  10. Oh my gosh, so funny! You are a very entertaining writer! I'm here from SITS and I'll be following you (in a totally not-creepy way).

    Come by my blog when you get the chance!

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  11. Oh, man, I've been there! The perfect jeans are an elusive prize. Happy SITS day.

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  12. Oooooh the perfect jeans...like the holy grail of shopping! I have a pair of Lucky jeans that I love beyond reason - unfortunately they don't fit at the moment (being pregnant with twins will do that to you lol) but I will love them until my dying day!

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  13. LOL! I make my husband take pictures of my butt in jeans. It's the only way to know for sure!

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  14. Love it - and speaking as someone who also has VERY lean toes, I know this hunt well!

    Happy SITS Day!

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  15. Dude, the camera trick is an awesome idea! I'm so doing that the next time I go jeans shopping!!!

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  16. Great on you girl! I also say that buying jeans, new bra and horror above all, a new swimming costume is the worst.

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  17. Stopping by from SITS! I know that battle! Jean shopping is my least favorite thing to do, with bathing suit shopping as a close 2nd! Great post! I''ll be following you. LOVE to find other bloggers who love JESUS!!! Great stuff! :)

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  18. Hey! It's so nice to meet you! Stopping in from SITS and always excited when I find a fellow beleiver to share with! :-)

    I love that you openly share your faith and you're "real" while you do it. That's rare! :-) Love the humor and the jeans post.

    Stop by and visit me when you can! I know you'll be busy today! AGain...happy SITS day!

    ~MariLee
    www.wahmblog.info

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  19. I have a pair of jeans that I adore - perfect fit, perfect butt pockets. But they recently had to be retired when they ripped right across the seat. I have no idea how this happened. I was laying on the couch and one minute everything was fine and the next minute everything was drafty. It was a sad day. I still haven't found a pair that I like to replace them. It's been three weeks. I'm glad you found a pair that you like.

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  20. Love it! After giving birth six months ago, I can get back into my jeans, but am in desperate need of a new pair. I spent hours in the dressing room at Nordstrom the other day...little did I know that I just needed to check at Costco first! So glad you found a pair that works for you!

    Stopping by from SITS!

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  21. Well aren't you a smarty pants! Get it? Smarty PANTS? And you were buying jeans? LOL. Thanks for the giggle.

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  22. Happy SITS day! Those jeans can be elusive little beasts, can't they? I also used to never have trouble finding good ones until the kids were born. Oh how the weight redistributes in unfriendly ways after those pregnancies. Ah well. So glad you were able to find some replacements!

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  23. Oh the agony of your favorite jeans falling apart. I wore mine with long shirts and jackets tied around my waist in college. That is, until I went through airport security in front of troops coming home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, they make you take your jacket off. Yup. Those troops knew what color underwear I was wearing. So glad you found replacement jeans! Who would have thought to look at Costco?

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  24. This is such a GREAT post! Loved it so much. No parts of me are lean. Even my toes are fat...

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  25. That is so funny! I never thought of the camera! What a great idea.

    Finding the right pair of jeans is so hard. I found a pair a few years ago in NZ and now I can only wear them around the house because they are so worn out, but I just love them too much to get rid of them!

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  26. OK, I envy you! Try worrying about BELLY bulge when you need to get jeans. My friend, it is far worse than BUTT bulge! Hope your butt has been loving those jeans.

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  27. Now go buy another pair so that when they wear out you have a back-up.

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  28. This had me laughing. Its so true! It's all about the butt! Finding the perfect pair is next to impossible.

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  29. Ha! Great idea. What's wrong with taking a photo of your own butt? Good jeans are a critical part of life.

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  30. I hate jeans shopping! I still haven't found the perfect pair! Happy SITS DAY!

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  31. I love this post! and your style of writing. keep it up girl! :)

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  32. So funny!

    I'll be back to follow when GFC stops being a pita for me.

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  33. Ooooh I hate jeans shopping! In some stores I'm a 10, in others I'm a 16. WTF???

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  34. Hysterical! I'm going to Costco immediately.

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  35. thanks for this post, i know now what to bring next time i go jean-hunting

    RJ's day to day activities
    Journal of RJ's mom

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  36. Fantastic! My mom swears by Costco jeans and I believe they were Calvins. Good thinking, girl!

    Natalie at http://www.mommyonfire.com

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  37. What a clever idea with the camera. Glad you found a perfect pair with great butt pockets.

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  38. I wish I was so lucky! I have a 37" inseam and I *always* suffer from the dreaded "long butt" problem.

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  39. Hi Sasha! My friend sent me to your blog and I love it. Two thing: (1) Try "Seven" jeans. They are an investment but make anyone's butt look good. (2) You are doing an amazing job with your son. Have you read Superparenting for ADHD by Edward Hallowell? My son has ADHD and it changed our lives and how we think about ADHD. There is a quote in there that makes me cry whenever I think of it. The author asks a very successful adult how he overcame the ADHD challenges and the person said "Because I only saw smiles in my mother's eyes." Hang in there. You are doing great.

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  40. So we don't get to see the picture?

    I just bought some super cute jeans at Costco too, True Religions, love them and great deal too.

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