Wednesday, August 5, 2009

He who laughs last, laughs best.

Okay people, seriously do you SEE this photo? (***Photo was accidentally deleted, but trust me, it was ginormous. About three inches in diameter.***) Do you have any idea how large this spider actually is? Huge does not begin to describe it. This is a wolf spider. I take it back. It wasn't a wolf spider, it was a wolf monster.

I grew up in Montana, in an old parsonage because my dad was a pastor (yeah that's right, I was a preacher's kid) in a tiny little country church. The house was over 100 years old. It had the biggest barn spiders in it. I can remember waking up, and seeing a dark spot on the wall, and knowing instinctively what it was. Then I'd go running into my parent's room, screaming for help. (They really enjoyed that. Kept 'em on their toes.) Then they would tell me that "Age nineteen was a little old to continue carrying on like that, and for heaven's sake get back to bed and let a body get a good night's sleep!!"

So today, I was moving a table in my garage, when I spotted this thing. I screamed, threw the table across the garage, and started reaching simultaneously for my camera and my cell. I think I texted and called my husband about seven times back-to-back. (I'm really sorry honey.) Then my old neighbor pulled in. So I yelped to her for help, because I was paralyzed with fear, and couldn't move. She came over to take a look, and said something like "Wow. That thing's huge." Then she left and I cried and called the fire department. Oh I'm kidding. I couldn't leave, because then I wouldn't know where IT WENT!

My husband finally excused himself from his luncheon client, and called me back, most likely thinking that the house was on fire. He didn't even chuckle- he just said very calmly, "Honey, get a hold of yourself, and grab the bee/wasp killer. It shoots from 30 feet away, so just spray the heck out of it."

I did.

Then I actually heard laughter. It was the wolf monster.

So I went for the big guns. Some pump-action insect killer that says it will kill everything, including small rodents. (Liars) There was more laughter at my expense from the arachnid, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I tossed the kids in the car and squealed my tires as we raced from the garage.

When Adrain returned home from work, hours later, he dutifully pulled everything out of the corner in search of the bad boy. I stood a safe 40 feet away, wringing my hands while observing anxiously. He didn't find the spider, but he did find TWO egg sacs. He made mincemeat of them while I cheered with my pom-poms in the corner. He sprayed everything down and left it until after dinner. He went back out for one more look-around and finally found the spider moving very slowly... Then he nailed that sucker!

Who's laughing now?!

78 comments:

  1. Ewww! Mama does not like spiders, and that suckers huge! I love the you were petrified but still had enough wits about you to take a photo... now that's dedication. And I would've packed up the kid (and the dog) with me and left too. Kudos to your night in shining armor for slaying the foul beast that dared to invade the sanctity of your universe, and for laughing at you. Victory is yours! Mwahahaha! :-)

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  2. Well, of course you *had* to take a picture. Otherwise your husband might have just made fun of/disbelieved you when you "told tales" of its gargantuan size. I understand completely.

    I've become much better at killing spiders since having children. I used to be exactly the same as you in my reactions to them, and not just the big 'uns. Any size would do. But since we have an untended field behind our backyard, and since the outlying crop fields aren't too much further, we too get our fair share of enormous monstrosities. I've tried lots of different things to ward them off, but come fall, and with it, the cutting of the crops, we always have one or two that make into what they fancy is the warm safety of our house.

    I really struggled our first fall here. I mean, when you suck up one that's bigger than a fifty cent piece, confident in your shaking-quaking-spider killing skills, and then take the vacuum canister outside to empty it into the yard, it's a little unnerving when said spider LEAPS from the canister and runs, apparently unfazed, back into the yard.

    Yeah, it was that bad.

    I actually asked my bible study ladies to pray for me about this spider thang.

    However, as time has progressed, I've become a lean, mean, spider-killing machine. It happened one day when there was a spider that was inside Nadia's little cabinet thing in her room, right.before.naptime. (Perhaps you understand that the real fear of spiders isn't that they will bite/kill you, but rather that they will CRAWL ON YOU? I thought so. The only fear that is higher than that regarding spiders is that they will CRAWL ON YOUR SLEEPING CHILDREN, AMEN?!) So I couldn't let this spider get away. I completely understand the whole "gotta see where it goes" idea, but until this point, I'd never taken anymore action than to watch it jumpily and fearfully until some strong male person came and killed it. I was the watcher. I'm sure you understand.

    But on this fateful day, Matt was conspicuously absent, AT WORK, of all places. Have you done the Beth Moore Daniel study? Well, there's one dvd session where she says this phrase 6 or 7 times during the hour she's teaching: "A Divine setup to STEP UP." You hearing her accent with me? Okay, well, this was evidently my setup. I chased that thing up and down the different levels of the cabinet, ripping blankets and toys off the shelves and finally killed it.

    No, it wasn't big, but it was a defining-moment day for me. I've gotten increasingly better with experience. I tried to go out of my way to kill them now, even though I still don't like it.

    And I was so proud of Chandler the other day when he found a spider bigger than two fifty cent pieces in the outside toy box and smashed it to death with a long hefty stick. When it quit twitching, he looked up at me and said in one of those action hero voices "playtime's over."

    It's a good thing you're used to my long comments. As I wipe off the sweat I've accumulated from my wild typing, I bid you adieu.

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  3. Hahahaha! Good story.

    I could always tell when my younger sister had a spider issue. She would call out "Kaaaaaatteee" in a funny voice...I knew I needed to come running to save her from the creature. Now that she is married, her husband has taken over the spider killing job from me. :)

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  4. I found a snake in our basement. (I am guessing that the door had been left open just long enough for him to wander in!)I ran upstairs and dragged my hubby downstairs and showed him where it was and told him "Kill it! I don't care how or what it takes. Just kill it!". I don't know how he did it, I never asked. But he assured me that it was dead and was no longer able to freak me out! That was 4 years ago and we still talk about it. Spiders, wasps, bugs..I can take care of. But snakes...that is hubs job!

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  5. Yuck. Spiders give me the creeps, but I think mice are worse. Or even worse..snakes!!!

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  6. Groady. I don't like spiders, but mice have that squealing/heebyjeeby effect on me. Good thing you killed the eggs, or else you might wake up one morning encased in web silk.
    We'd sure miss you.
    (No big deal about adding me to the blog roll- one of these days I'll be going off private and I'll letcha know. So glad you still stop by and "see" me, still!)

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  7. Yikes! I HATE spiders. I'm glad your sweet hubby rescued you.

    I was a preacher's kid too :)

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  8. But spiders are good! They eat the bad bugs, and, and...okay, yeah, they're gross.

    But they really do eat mosquitoes.

    SITS visitor. :o)

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  9. That makes me shiver all over. I hate spiders!
    Stopped by from SITS.

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  10. Sasha,

    When I was staying over at My mom's house there were two of those spiders and they were even bigger. It looked like in a horror movie these were so big when one of them had to pull itself from out of the closet door. Then the other one I spot in the corner of my eye on the towel rack in the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilet. That was an experience when I was trying to shut my water off so I could get out of there so go wake up my mother so she can see it. She didn't see the other one alive and I wanted her to see how big these MONSTER's really are. I really don't want to come across them again.

    Mom Carrick

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  11. Alright!! I can't stand spiders, but what really gets me are snakes. I mean I am deathly afraid. My husband and I were watching shark week last night (hip hip hooray!! for shark week) and I noted that I would rather get bitten by a shark than a snake. Honestly, my level of fear is a 20 out of 10. I totally understand your nervousness!! I would want to track that sucker down too! My mom found a snake in her house (baby...whatever) two days ago and I dutifully told her I would never, I repeat, never, stay there again.

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  12. Those monsters are so huge. I was shocked by my first experience with a Wolf Spider. We didn't have those things up North. Whew. Scary. Glad you won.

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  13. That thing is massive! I don't blame you one bit for freaking out. I would have called my husband a million times too!

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  14. EEEEK! I DO NOT like big bugs either!!! Too funny- the story that is...not the yucky spider!!! :)
    Blessings!

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  15. Oh my word...you are hilarious. That spider was huge. Good grief they scare me to death too. My hubs hates them too, so we are quite the pair. I too am a pastors kid. We are so much alike. Crazy huh?

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  16. YUCK! Yea for hubby! Those spiders don't stand a chance against our brutish men!

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  17. Your reaction was totally valid. Even just looking at that picture has me feeling all itchy and paranoid. Ugh. Spiders. Why do they have to be so creepy?

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  18. Yowza that was a big spider. I would have done exactly the same thing. I HATE spiders. Even looking at that one through the screen made my skin crawl!

    You're a preacher kid;) Well that explains alot...just kidding:)

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  19. Creepy! I hate those spiders. Unfortunately in my house, I am the spider killer. My husband isn't scared of spiders and I would let him have the task, but I'm just too worried he won't kill it on the first try and the beast will escape. I have faith in my husband, but in the case of these little (and not so little) "creatures" it's just not a risk I'm willing to take! EWWW!!

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  20. AHHHH it must be a our state!! I came home from camping excited to shower and there was a ginormous one in our bath tub! ew. Thankfully they dont scare me. But it was still icky and since I was the bug catcher for so long while John was gone, I made him do the dirty work. My neighbor used to come knocking in NC whenever leggy creatures entered her home...I wonder how she handles it now that I am gone...hmmm...

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  21. That spider was HUGE! I hate spiders, I usually go for the clorox cleanup and spray them to their death hahah :)

    glad you got the last laugh out of the situation though

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  22. Betcha didn't know you could throw a table across the garage?! Didja!?!! That certainly was a biggie!

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  23. Ohhh! GROSSSSS! I hate spiders! But I hate snakes even worse....if I could jump out of my skin, I would every time I saw a snake. Yuck yuck yuck!

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  24. I think I would have fainted... Although I must say I just used wasp spray to kill a black widow on my porch, it worked too...

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  25. Just when I think you couldn't possibly make me laugh any harder- you prove me wrong!!!

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  26. OH MY WORD!! I would have died...just died if this happened to me.

    What a good husband you have ;o)

    XOXO

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  27. I read this and I felt your pain. Living in Florida it is my worst nightmare. Snakes, Flying Palmettos and big bugs. Spiders being one of them. Yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had one not too long ago and the big ones here look like tarantulas. There are like the size of a closed fist and they are hairy. My goodness. You know its bad when your husband runs in the opposite direction. And says " IT'S YOUR TURN".

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  28. I can't handle spiders, or bugs of any kind for that matter! That sucker is huge and I'm impressed you even sprayed it. I have this fear that they're going to get fet up with my antics and just jump for my face. (I just got the chills imagining a spider even touching me) I'm so thankful your husband found those egg sacs and the spider! So brave! (Ugh...I just got the chills again, just thinking of spiders in general)

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  29. I hate spiders!:( Beautiful blog you have:)Whats your favorite cookie?

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  30. Yikes! I can handle a tiny one but I would run screaming like a sissy if I saw a ginormous sucker like that....Shuddering!!!

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  31. Gosh, I just came back to check in on your comments, and I gotta say, spiders really strike a resounding chord with women, eh?

    *groan* I have to go clean while the baby's sleeping.

    ...or do I? I mean, this is also an equally valid opportunity to blog, no?

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  32. oh yuck!!! I hate bugs...of all sorts. I've taught my 5 year old to kill them...with a shoe...always one of daddy's shoes, not mommy's! :)

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  33. OMG! I about peed on myself that was so funny!!! LOL...now I feel like I have things crawling on me.

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  34. Awww - you just made my day!!! Thank you so very much.

    And, Miss Lemonade Makin' Mama - I must say ditto to you. You are hilarious and every time I see a new post I get excited.

    Can you feel the love?

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  35. eww, eww, & eww... I HATE, not LOATHE spiders. I've had a smiliar experience... my husband couldnt come home to kill it, so I called my brother-in-law to come help... he killed it while I stood outside of the garage screaming... Glad your chilverous (sp?) hubby got him! :)

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  36. That is a big spider, ugh, I'm cringing. Tonight I'm probably going to have dreams where I wake up slapping at my body thinking something's crawling on me...Lance loves that (not!) Ugh, I HATE spiders! We had a giant fly in our house today and I made Lance swat it with newspaper because they're just so creepy and yucky...spiders are even worse! I'm glad you found him, and got the last laugh!

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  37. I was laughing like a loon cause this all seems so familiar. I too throw large objects at spiders then call Derrick to take care of it when that doesn't work. I know the feeling of total immobilizing fear that comes from facing a hairy 8 legged monster. I'm glad Adrain found it for ya. ICK

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  38. Didn't you live in Sudden Valley amidst the spiders too?

    (Man, girl, look at you blog celeb. 37 comments! WOW!)

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  39. Did I ever share my spider/garbage man story to you? If not ask me next time you see me. Seriously!41

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  40. Oh my goodness, that is awful but making me laugh...I have a very similar couple of posts from the last few days! But no big spiders are terrorizing me-it's (they're) roaches! Ugh! So I feel your fear and paralysis. Blech...I can't wait for the new heavens and the new earth-my husband (also a pastor) said that he just knew that roaches were a result of the fall and that one day they would be thrown into the fiery pit. I'm glad your hubby won the war.

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  41. OMG!!! I would s**t my pants if I were you! I would panic too! MISTER was HUGE!!!

    you never know... people sometimes can't be very sane and they bring some dangerous animals to keep them as pets when they get bored they toss them.... so we need to be careful wih that kind of beasts!

    You husband is a brave man!

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  42. OK, darlin', I haven't been following your blog for long, but what I've seen I love...ever so much. This is probably the best, and by that I mean funniest, post of yours I recall reading. Mind you, I have a very short memory, so I could be talking out of my head. All that to say, I have to share with you my favorite parts of this post because naturally you are dying to know my every little thought. (Oh brother.) Here goes....

    "They really enjoyed that. Kept 'em on their toes."

    "let a body get a good night's sleep"

    "started reaching simultaneously for my camera and my cell" (I can believe this, that you'd be traipsing through your garage with both these things on your person, you know, just in case.)

    "He made mincemeat of them while I cheered with my pom-poms in the corner." (I can see this too.)

    "Who's laughing now?!"

    It was all very funny, but those were the things that left me gasping for air. Just so you know.

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  43. You: Very sweet post, and very sweet heart you have... I can see why you and Chris are buddies!

    Me: Sash, when it comes to friends, I have impeccable taste. Thus you. :}

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  44. Yikes! That looks big and scary. I am not a fan of spiders.

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  45. Oh my goodness! I can't even stand to look at the picture! I would have done the same thing, packing the kids up. I stood in the kitchen staring at a spider for 30 minutes in paralyzed fear waiting for someone to come upstairs during half time of the super bowl to kill it! I hate those scary things! Thank goodness your husband found and demolished those egg sacks. I can't even imagine...

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  46. LOL I'm an American living in Australia...I think you'd DIE if you saw the spiders here! The size of my hand - easily. I've done a few posts about them, with photos when I can work up the nerve to take them. :-P

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  47. Love it! big hairy spiders are the worse! Glad you made it through ok!

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  48. I so get that you had to stand there in case you didn't see where it went - I get like that too!

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  49. I usedto hate spiders too. Until I lived in Nigeria, where the ones that liked to lurk on the wall next to my bed were about 5 inches in diameter. My Nigerian hostess showed me that if I just clapped my hands they would skitter away, and she promised me they wouldn't come back until I left the room, leaving me for a good night's sleep. She was right. At least I never FELT one of them crawling across my face in the middle of the night. Now I'm a dab hand with the postcard and the glass for both spiders and scorpions.

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  50. Ohmygosh! I would have gone to a hotel for sure!!! That thing was HUGE!!!!

    Crazy!

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  51. OH MY GOODNESS.... that sounds like an amazing spider!

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  52. Those things can get GINORMOUS!

    Usually they live in the grass. We have them in the backyard. One time the neighbor next door did not mow for a YEAR. His weeds grew up to the fence line. When I mowed there was a wolf spider on the fence the size of my HAND. That was like the Godfather of wolf spiders. I can hear his raspy accent.

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  53. Oh you should wee the monsters here in Africa! I catch them in a jar and take them outside.

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  54. Oh my goodness! I have killed big spiders before, but something like that would make me move to a new state. Immediately. Without packing.

    Kudos on keeping your cool throughout the whole ordeal. Or at least regaining your sense of humor afterwards. :)

    Have an Extraordinary Day!

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  55. spiders give me the heeb's. I can't even look at that picture. I think i did my own spider post once, "itsy bitsy my ass" or something similar.

    Shivvvvver...

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  56. Totally gives me the shivers.

    Congrats on your SITS day!

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  57. Ack, I hate spiders. I get completely flush and start breathing like I just finished a 10k. I encountered a wolf spider once. Those things are ginormous. I ended up vacuuming it up while screaming "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" at the top of my lungs, like Rachel on Friends when she captures the pidgeon in a pot. Glad your hubby came to your rescue!!

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  58. OMG so glad he found it so you don't have to think of it OUT THERE. SOMEWHERE. :o) I love your sense of humor. In our family if you don't laugh to the point of tears everyday it's considered wasted. Stop by my blog if you get the chance!

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  59. UGH....I hate spiders....and I react the same way btw. I think on my 3rd date w my hubby, we were driving in his car when a spider came thru my window. I jumped onto the gear shift (yes it hurt but I didnt care) and screamed like my life depended on it. He calmly reached across me picked up the spider w a napkin and threw it out the window (thk God we were at a stop light). Thing that made it really amusing was we were on a busy street and of course everyone was looking. My hubby kept telling me to get out of the car - but I was so afriad that the spider(which was on the dashboard at this time) was gonna jump on me & suck my blood. My tush hurt for hours after that. But I knew he was the one after that bc he didnt yell at me for jumping on the gear shift or make fun of me....ahhh my hero. Ilk...hate those things! Great now I got the itchies thinking about it!

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  60. OMGosh....you're too funny! Can't wait to read more of your stories! I hate spiders too, and unfortunately we are also blessed with many wolf spiders around our house, as well.... (my daughter always comes running!) I agree, the little devils are creepy!

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  61. Oh my word! That is a ginormous spider! I get hives just thinking about it!

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  62. I have seen those spiders, too. But I have to say, my spiderphobia pales in comparison to my cockroachphobia.

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  63. Holy cow! That thing is going to give me nightmares. Way to go! You're braver than I!

    (Visiting from SITS) :)

    http://stolensentiments.blogspot.com/

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  64. I must admit to feeling a little squimish while reading this. I have an aversion to spiders as well.

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  65. My husband completely freaks at spiders. I'm always the spider murderer. Sigh...That's a HUGE one.

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  66. I'm a pastor's kid too who grew up in a parsonage. And I'm terrified of spiders. I would have reacted the same way. The only good spider is a dead one.

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  67. Ugh. I lived for awhile in Florida, the summer home of the Wolf Monster. and guess what? Wolf Monsters LOOOVVVEEEDDD my bedroom.

    What I'm trying to say is, I totally understand. And after years of therapy I'm totally fine. *eye twitch*

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  68. What are those spiders called? I see them in Mexican bathrooms from time to time, but nobody has been able to tell me what they are!! They scare the shit outta me.

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  69. We have these giant wolf spiders here too! I hate them, but I'm not as afraid of them as I am of scorpions (we had those in Arizona, when I was a kid). Nothing more exciting than turning a corner to find a scorpion (or a giant spider) staring you in the face! Good times...

    Stopping by from SITS to say happy Creature, I mean Feature Day!

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  70. I've got the creeps big time. When they get that big, there's carnage when they die! Ugh! I do so hate spiders!

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  71. Ay, ay, ay...That is one huge spider!

    I am loving your blog and loving even more that you share your love for Jesus right in your introduction on your sidebar.

    Great blog - Happy SITS Day!

    Natalie at http://www.mommyonfire.com

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  72. Yeah, he is your hero! I feel the SAME WAY about spiders.

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