For the past year, we've been on an amazing adventure, trying to change our environment, our lifestyle, and our mission in life, bit by bit. To do some of that, we felt led to sell our house and get a less expensive one. We had so many arrows pointing us this direction, we were confident it was the path God wanted us to take. We were sure He would work out the details and make all the pieces come together. Little did we know that our idea of "pieces fitting together" can differ somewhat from God's idea of the very same. We hunted to find just the right, more affordable house, and then when we found it, we discovered that it was also connected to the sweetest couple doing life in a similar way. Everything just seemed to "fit," from our perspective. We were so excited. We did a lot of waiting on God, and as most of you remember, we jumped for joy when we finally got an offer on our house. We were sad, yet trusting when our "cash offer" turned out to be a misled elderly woman's conviction that she had won some money through the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. Looking back it's almost laughable. Almost.
Most of you know that she didn't win, and we spent three months tentatively unpacking, all the while hoping our home would still sell. It didn't, but somewhere in there, I was flailing about for the faith to believe that God was still going to sweep in and rescue us at the final moment. Wasn't that kind of God's specialty? I was convinced that it was, especially since we really felt we'd been led to this point. Our contingent offer on the house we wanted, was drawing to a close, and in the midst of everything, we were experiencing a private storm on our home front with one of our children that was leaving us clutching one another, crying out to God, and drawing daily ragged breaths.
We cocooned ourselves in our home, attempting to fix what was wrong, and the exhaustion level has been reaching new heights. We were (and are) beyond ourselves, as decisions about disorders, schooling, special ed programs, psychologist evaluations, assessments, and so much more began swirling around our heads. Words could never do the past three months justice, so Adrain and I decided to do something we'd never done before when facing a decision of ginormous magnitudes. (In our case, the first decision of the many awaiting us, was to "Keep the house on the market or take it off and focus our energies fully on the situation with our child?") We fasted and prayed for three days asking for absolute clarity one way of the other. We were fully willing to do whatever God wanted, but we asked for a very clear shout as to that, with no guessing games.
It would require an entire post to walk you through those three days, but we both felt dumbfounded when nothing but more silence ensued. There were no lightning bolts of confirmation in either direction from God. No "finding Me when when you seek Me with your whole heart moments." We were left questioning, "Did we do this wrong? Is there a Dummies Guide to Prayer and Fasting that we should have read beforehand?" Everything in us wanted to scream that God was letting us down and forgetting about us. But then one small thing happened and we both knew that God wasn't speaking in ways we wanted Him to, and He wasn't directing our paths in an outrightly obvious way, but He was speaking softly into our situation.
The thing that happened, was that we were hashing things out, trying to make sense of our situation with our child later that same week, and I mentioned two specific names in history to Adrain that had been brought to my mind over that week, and I'd been unable to stop relating them to my son. I know this probably sounds insignificant in the retelling, but Adrain had been thinking about the exact same two people I'd mentioned, and we'd never talked about it with each other! The names were just offbeat enough that we knew this was not coincidence. Our "Change the World" mentality has always begun with our family, so it seems possible that God is once again refocusing the span of our energies and reminding us of what we've always known; That our children are our number one mission field and our main priority.
I'll be honest, and admit there have been moments when both Adrain and I wondered if God was rejecting us for service somehow, not that the sale or non-sale of a house could indicate such a thing! We wanted to be used in His plan but so often, we think we know His plan, and how exactly we fit into it. It's awfully easy to make each moment about us... Isn't that funny? Those are moments of raw human frailty and of course when the day is done, we know that our ways are not His ways. It's all about Him. Every little thing, is for His glory alone. Tears fill my eyes as I begin down the path I've walked before when it comes to my son. I don't want to take this path right now. But on the mama front, I wonder if a change of neighborhood, house, and school would have all been too much for him. Too much for me even?
So for now, we continue down the path we are currently on. But we do so with heads lifted and hearts changed in many ways. Adrain has an amazing chance to go to Africa this summer, and once again, I'm excitedly anticipating what God might have in store for our entire family. I bet it doesn't look a thing like we think it will. And right now, (today anyway) I can live with that. I appreciate your comments, encouragement, and support so much. I've been the worst at reaching out to you blog land gals, and have inadvertently pulled away from so many of those of you I know in real life, because it's just been excruciating. Yet you all continue to shower me with friendship, love, and words of affirmation.
Thank you for pursuing me. Thank you for continuing to read and pray for our family. Thank you for not giving up on me. You mean so much to me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all...The Lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him." (Psalm 34:18-19 & 22)