Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Bottle rockets bursting in air....

I sat up in bed and mentally gasped, "I don't want to be a dud!  I don't want to be a dud!"


No, I wasn't having a nightmare about the 4th of July.  But I was thinking of the similarity between being on fire with faith, and flaming out like a dud.  My kids were lighting off bottle rockets on July 4th with all the surrounding neighborhood hoodlums, and most of the rockets that got lit from a bottle, went up flaming a trail of smoke and fire, making loud noises, and showering everyone with their fourth of July glory.  The ones that got shoved into cracks in the sidewalk, and then lit, often made a big flame, a little noise, and then just went out, never leaving the sidewalk, or doing what they were meant to do.

When we began our journey to downsize our mortgage, (which didn't end up happening, and if we end up transferring, I can easily see that God was keeping us from that mistake) I felt like a bottle rocket that had just been lit.  Looking skyward, I was going up in flames, to fulfill my purpose in life, yeah!  The excitement and enthusiasm were catching.  And then as the year wore on, and nothing happened, I seriously questioned whether or not all the arrows and "yes" moments that pointed us toward that goal were actually from God.  You can't get a much more clear "No," than having your house sell, and then un-sell the next month.  (And really, only God could have come up with a buyer that truly thought they had won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, and offered us cash based on that, having not won afterall... it just didn't get any more weird and crazy to my way of thinking.) 

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, I had been lying in bed awake, thinking over the past couple of months, in which I believe I've been in a faith funk.  Not really a crisis, but I've been having a tough time believing that my faith matters, and that God even gives a rip about the little things in my life.  I don't think I've ever been there before, so to be honest it's scared me quite a bit.  I wouldn't say that I've always followed God blindly, but I've followed Him pretty unquestioningly,because I've seen His miracles and answers to prayer all my life.  About three months ago, my questions began getting really big, and I had no answers.  I had to work hard to press down the edges of daily panic.  Because the questions wouldn't go away. "What if there is no God, and if there is, what if He couldn't care less what happens to my family- my son and his possible diagnosis of Aspergers, my husband's possible job transfer, which we so don't want, and our life in general?"

Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday.  I pretty much sat down with my bible and told God, "I'm not leaving here until You talk this out with me."  And then I cried, and journalled, read, questioned, and cried some more.  I found the following bible verse, "and if you call out for insight, and cry aloud for understanding and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."  Proverbs 2:3-5.

Shortly after that, I read the following quote in my Beth Moore's Daniel bible study, "We believe because God has proved Himself believable.  He has also undoubtedly proved Himself believable to you and me personally."  I began to think about this, and realized that if I stack up the answers of the past, and all the times He has come through for me, it comes down to a choice.  I can either choose to question and waver in my faith, wondering if God even has a plan for us, thus leaving my mind as an open playground for satan to tangle with me, or I can set my mind on things above, things I know, things I hope for, and things that I believe because of what I've seen and experienced. So even when nothing is making any sense, I would rather choose to believe and trust, and take the chance of being wrong... than to live a life lacking that hope.

I refuse to be a dud.  He's been faithful before.  He'll be faithful again.  Great is thy Faithfulness.

24 comments:

  1. Well said Sasha! AMEN!
    So glad God showed you that he has been with you all the way. He never left you.
    Sometimes we don't get our answers in our time, but His....and sometimes while we wait and walk through that journey we feel just like you did. I know because I have been there before too. God is good.
    Phillipians 4:8

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  2. Bawling. Loved it. Thank you so much!

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  3. Thank you Sasha..this comes at such a perfect time for me as we waiting to see if a buyer is going to make a decision on our home as we prepare to downsize our mortgage. I needed to hear this today!

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  4. Great post! I wish there was a *like* button.
    -FringeGirl

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  5. So true. So good. I feel the exact same way... so much about life; how I serve my kids, love my husband, care for my home, etc - comes down to CHOICE.

    And... thank you very much for your kind words on my photography blog. :) It pretty much made my day.

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  6. We have to stand in the Truth of His word. Even when we don't feel the Truth in a tangible way. It's a hard lesson but a good one, for sure. My hubby's first wife died in an accident five months after they were married (and talk about jealousy issues - I still deal with stuff from all that even though it was over 8 yrs ago!) and he felt hopeless of course. But God, in His mercy, led my man to me! We've been married 6.5 yrs with two kids! Everything happens for a reason, indeed. Can't wait for you to look back and see why God orchestrated things this way.

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  7. I'm repeating the "I needed to hear this today because I'm in the same boat" comment. Truly, honestly, deeply. My best friend moved away today (her husband is in the Army and they were transfered), I'm struggling with the BIG GREEN MOSTER (envy) towards my sister and I'm absolutely dying to move out of the town I've lived in for my entire life...BUT my husband owns a company and Atlanta is the best place for us to be...so I'm struggling to see God's will in my life right now because I feel like a dud! But seeing your post reminds me to choose to believe and have faith in Him. Thank you! :)

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  8. Thank you for writing this! The last couple of weeks I've struggled with much of the same things about choices my husband and I have made over the course of the last year. Your words helped! I still have a hard time accepting I'm not going to get a five year plan from Him, but His way is better than anything I could come up with, even if it doesn't make sense at the time.

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  9. Hey Sasha, your wooden flag sign has been featured on the daily Etsy finds (maybe you know that as it has sold!) Enjoyed reading your blog today. Sending you happy wishes from England :)

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  10. One of your best posts, yet. Needed this today...

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  11. Isn't it a blessing that while we don't always feel saved, we are? We are either living in our emotions or walking by faith. It's a struggle not to allow our emotions to rule. When we go by our feelings, we forget the faithfulness of God and see only the struggle at hand. I am so glad you went directly to the Word for your source of comfort and strength. The Bible is such a personal book - everything we need for life, faith and godliness is there at our finger tips - it is the most excellent revelation of the heart of God for us.

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  12. I'm so glad you put this out there, because I know so many, including myself, have questioned it before. We lost some dear friends in a tragic house fire this weekend, and I just can't get past it. Why couldn't He save them? It's all so hard to stomach and although its not easy and I don't understand why, I have to trust in Him. It's a reminder to me that life is truly precious and even on my worst days I have to appreciate all that I have, especially savoring the little everyday moments with my kids. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us all.

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  13. Thank you so much for that post! I am having much the same kind of time. I know the "right" answers but struggling to believe. Thanks again for being real!

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  14. He IS faithful and yes, there are times when we need to remind ourselves of His Greatness. This post hit home today...thank you.

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  15. Sasha,

    I just read an article about blogging and about how you should make sure your content offers something to your readers. I wanted you to know that this post offered something very specific to me. I have been in the exact same place lately...and in spite of all of the amazing things he's done, I've been watching SO many things go wrong and wondering if he forgot about me.

    I know. I'm even embarrassed to admit that. Anyway, thank you. For putting it out there, the thing I've been afraid to say. And for reminding me of his faithfulness and his grace.

    Love you, girl!

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  16. you are not a dud! no matter how dud like you feel. love your heart for the Lord and you are right HE will always be faithful. That's a fact! love you sweet girlie.

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  17. Hi there! Faith is the things HOPED for - we must have hope -we have to have hope even when things seem impossible - we have to hope! I think that is where God is - in the impossible!

    You are so insightful and I love how you convey your heart!

    xoTiffany

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  18. Sasha.

    My husband got his transfer papers for July 11th. . .and even though it's an unwanted move--we haven't figured anything out yet--will he make the hour and forty-five minute commute daily? Will he stay there during the week and come home on weekends--I have faith it is ALL going to work out. I don't get it--I don't love it--and it's okay to feel like a dud once in awhile (I might be there right now), it's just not okay to live like it...which you aren't. Blessings and prayers to you!!!!

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  19. Hi, Sasha, I found you via a confusing series of jumps via the Pay it Forward hop, so I don't really know where I came from, but I love your blog. Do you perhaps have a tiny peep hole directly into my brain? Because you are definitely speaking my exact thoughts. Looking forward to following you! And Blessings to you and all those dear to you.

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  20. Great is your Faithfulness Baby!! How Great!! Thank you once again for sharing with us!

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  21. "So even when nothing is making any sense, I would rather choose to believe and trust, and take the chance of being wrong... than to live a life lacking that hope."

    Echoing these words today over a lengthy & difficult struggle in my own life. Thank you for this post. Couldn't agree more, so often it comes down to a CHOICE despite outward circumstances. You've chosen wisely amidst the struggles and encouraged us all to do the same! Thank you for so beautifully sharing your heart!

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  22. Just for the record: I need a sign. I'm going to take some measurements and email you soon.

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