Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sometimes, glass gets broken.


  Over the past couple of weeks, many different circumstances have forced me to confront the areas of my life that I've been failing in, and here's what I know.  I'm a wife and mother of two.  A friend to many.  A daughter, daughter-in-law, sister to one, and sister-in-law to several.  And over the course of the past weeks I've failed.  I've failed when I set out to try harder.  I've failed when I intended to reach out better.  Failed when I meant to speak softer, spend better, think first, talk last, encourage continually.  I've failed when I meant to push down pride.  Failed when I fought jealousy and feelings of total inadequacy.  Failed when I desperately needed, craved and wanted reassurance, to bow my knee to the one and only Source who gives it best.  Sought it out in all the wrong places and turned up empty.  I failed when I set out to catch up and not feel guilty.  Failed in new commitments and the turning over of new leaves.  Failed in not calling first, misunderstanding texts, not giving benefits of the doubt.  I've failed at trying not to take personally, things I know were said thoughtlessly.  I've failed at not stewing over them.  I've failed at not repeating them to another.  I've failed at not listening.  I've failed at not asking the right questions and I've failed at not loving well. 

 As I worked with my man today, he allowed me to chew on this.  Okay, the truth is, I cried all my make up off, and he hugged my little paint smeared self.  I haven't often felt like this- like nearly every aspect of nearly every relationship in my life is sitting amidst ruins I've created, participated in or been too late to stop somehow.  Failure.  (Oh I hate that word so much.) 
 As I showered and scrubbed paint out of my hair, I said the following to God.  "Hey God.  It's me, Failure girl.  I feel like if you took every person/relationship/component of my life, and made each one of them into a beautiful porcelain plate, the ones in my world would all be smashed to bits by my very own failure."  And then I paused and asked Him, "So... is there anything at all that can be done with someone who breaks this many pretty plates?"  (Okay, I spent a few minutes begging Him to show me how on earth He could possibly use a screw-up as awful as myself... a breaker of plates.) 
 And something happened that honestly doesn't happen very often.  I had a visual image pop into my head along with a quiet answer.  "A beautiful mosaic can only be created after all the glass has first been broken."  And that's when I had my answer.  I may be a fantastic failure right now, in a lot of areas... but can it be used for something beautiful when in the hands of a Master?  You bet it can. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God as done from beginning to end."  Ecclesiastes 3:11
As much as it kills me to put myself out there and confess, "Hey everyone, I'm a screw up!"  I also feel relief in it. I'm nowhere close to perfect... but I serve a very perfect God who makes beautiful masterpieces out of little messed up lives like mine, and if that encourages you even a little, then I'll shout it from the rooftops.  
 Have you felt like a failure in anything lately?  I hope you're encouraged that even your broken little messes can be arranged in a lovely pattern if you give them over to God.




Photos are from our little weekend room paint/refresh for Miss Ava.  Paint, "Fleur de Sel" by Sherwin Williams.
Curtains, light fixture and duvet cover, Ikea.
Padded headboard is actually her old headboard, covered in quilt batting, fabric, and fabric covered buttons.
"A" above her bed from JoAnn and covered in matching gray fabric.
"No Place Like Home" artwork, here.

37 comments:

  1. Thank You for this post. For some reason a certain number of your posts seem like they speak just to me because I always seem to read them at the right moment. I do know how you feel. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone and everything will be ok.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your feelings, it shows you are real, it shows you are not perfect (none of us are and you never claim to be), it shows that you admit to messing up at times but try to find the silver lining in something that would probably knock most of us down and sit and stew, feeling badly for ourselves.
    With creative blogs such as yours - beautiful, crisp, near-perfect photos, smiles and creativity - it's so easy to think to onesself "my goodness, why cant i be like that? think like that? have that? speak like that?". So many bloggers 'appear' and show this beautiful side - clean homes, creative minds and can't (or don't) think to admit their hard days, their fears or their defeats or their (i know you hate the word..) 'failures'.
    What I admire is that you take your less-than-gleaming moments in life and combine it with beauty and silver linings.

    We all have our moments, we all have times where we feel less than successful and we all have our failures. It is what we do with these times that matters. You look to create a beautiful mosaic. And not only is that 'real' but it is endearing and I respect you for that.
    :)
    Thank you for sharing.

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  3. Honesty is refreshing, isn't it?
    In the midst of my life that feels like a perpetual struggle, I have found this verse. By no means do I have it figured out, but it gives me a sweet glimpse of our Father.

    Romans 8:24-25 (The Message)
    That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we , and the more joyful our expectancy.

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  4. Oops, that should read: "the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

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  5. Wow, thank you for this post! I feel like those words you wrote were for me. I have been feeling A LOT of that lately, and I hate it. But, you are so right about it all. Thank you for sharing so I don't feel alone. Just the other day I was asking God, why do I struggle with that when I know so and so doesn't??

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  6. Thanks for your honest post. Lately, I have been listing the ways I have failed our Father and others in my life, and feeling very small. It's always good to hear that I am not alone. :)

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  7. very encouraging to know someone else feels like this and someone else aches over it. i have been in this mode of depression over all my icky failures for a few weeks now. i can't seem to shake it and yet i know God is right around the bend. i know His truths. i just can't seem to get myself to move forward and do what i know to be right. i know what he has is beauty from ashes but when i don't see it happening i get discouraged. thank you for letting me know He is still answers prayers. :)

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  8. thank you for sharing this sascha.
    i needed to read it today.

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  9. I have been a follower of your blog for quite sometime now. This is my first time sharing :) I am continually encouraged by what God puts on your heart to share but this one hit the mark for me. What you have written describes the very thoughts I have been having lately and, believe it or not, I had a very similar conversation (breakdown) with my husband last night. Aren't we such lucky girls to have the arms of our amazing men to fall into?! You are beautiful and such a blessing to many! Thank you!

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  10. And P.S., the room redo is adorable!!

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  11. Lovely post....and welcome to my "glass breakers" club. I'm over here on the other side of the US trying to sweep up the pieces I've broken to make something pretty as well. Glad to know I'm not alone. :)
    And Ava's room looks so pretty! Looks like the IKEA trip was a success!

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  12. How many sit by and make the choice not to do something because of the fear of failing? Yes we fail, but how else will we learn? If we did everything perfectly there would no lessons to learn and no growth. So I say three cheers for failing and getting back up again. God gives us a new day and a new way!

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  13. 1. The room redo is so sweet!
    2. Thank you. Thank you. Your honesty is humbling. I needed to hear that today.

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  14. this is powerful girl. i stand with broken plates too. our God is a mosaic maker!!! hugs, my dear. thank you for airing your dirty laundry... because i have it too. and this relating is important. you're prodding me on. i love you for it.

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  15. Oh yes I feel like a failure. It's spring break here and I have a week with my step daughter(who lives with us) and I feel like I've failed miserably as a step mom. I think we all have something...if we didn't we wouldn't need Him. Love your room makeover. Miss Ava has the same comforter we do, her room looks so cute!

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  16. AMEN, girlfriend!
    I know that I have struggled with this as well, but God has such an amazing way of turning my mess into something beautiful.
    He truly makes my storm a calm.
    The devil delights in seeing us with this paralyzing fear and feeling of worthlessness, but there is such sweet victory in Jesus!
    Peace, that cannot be described, and that passeth all understanding!
    Thanks you for being real, sweetie.
    I'm praying for you.

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  17. Looks like it's time to make some LEMONADE,do what you do best Sasha.
    Your little girl must be so thrilled with her mom & dad for giving her such a lovely room.

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  18. I will always remember this every time I see a mosaic piece or feel a mess. I am so walking in those moments of failure. Stinks, but how beautiful mosaics are! Guess its good when the glass breaks.

    Vicki

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  19. What a beautiful room- love the grey!
    What beautiful words- love the mosaic image!

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  20. Beautiful and honest.
    Love your heart and our Fathers heart.
    Blessings!!
    Beautiful makeover too...such a cozy room. xo

    With all my heart,
    Deborah xo

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  21. You speak from your heart and it touches many.
    I felt like that last night. It's difficult balancing the needs of a son with autism, a mother with dementia and all of the other things in life. I know I am doing my best, but it just doesn't seem like enough. Thanks for the reminder that God has it all worked out already.
    Blessings to you...

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  22. i'm a walking mess...completely broken 95% of the time. thank God he is the ultimate Gorilla Glue! love her sweet room. looks like he figured it out;)

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  23. What a beautiful image! I think all of us feel this way from time to time and will look at our perceived failures a bit differently. Her room is gorgeous! The light and the quilt are my favorites.

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  24. Thanks so much for sharing on such a real level - it is a help to all of us! Take care, Laura

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  25. Have I felt like a failure lately? Oooooo yah! Those ugly insecurities can rise so quickly with the least little amount of provocation! I recently confessed to my husband that my greatest fear was that I was everybody's EGR (extra grace required) person. I don't know what this belief is rooted in but I do know that it is stirred up by the father of lies. Even if there is even a nano-morsel of truth in it I am still a beloved child of God. And that sets me apart. Thank you for your transparency. It gives the rest of us courage (and permission) to do the same.

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  26. I can definitely relate to feeling like a failure. It seems the harder I try sometimes, the more things fall apart. Lately, my life seems to be filled with fear, doubt, insecurity.

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  27. i have felt like that a lot...like i can't get a grip on my life after moving. but i realized that's ok...it's natural for us to fail. more often then i'd like to admit even! so yes, we're with you! hang in there sweetie...you're not alone :)

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  28. I understand ... failure happens. But then again, dusting off and getting right up again, that happens too.

    Delighted to stumble over here today. I hope you don't mind if I splash around a bit to get to know you. This looks like a refreshing place to dip my toes in goodness.

    Splashin,
    Sarah

    http://justsarahdawn.blogspot.com/

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  29. oh wow ~ thanks for your honest and humble post ~ I love you and haven't even met you ~ you have reminded me that it's ok to be a mess ~ God is figuring everything out on my behalf and doesn't mind one bit that he has to pick up my pieces ~ the end result is going to be beautiful..thank you friend

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  31. Darn. I deleted that last comment because I had a typo! Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your heart. It is so nice to know that we are not alone! So nice. I am almost always a mess....lots of broken glass here :)

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  32. Thank goodness the Lord knows our heart and gives us His priceless grace to cover our shortfalls <3. I LOVE the room re-do! Makes me want to go in and simplify my entire house.

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  33. I have had a lot of junk and a lot of failure in my life. Things I thought I would never speak of to anyone.
    Yet God has been shattering that glass house and slowly picking up the pieces to make the mosaic that is my beautiful life. My life is becoming amazing. The only way that has happened is for God to take me through the valleys so that I can get up on that mountaintop and shout His glory.

    Thank you for sharing this.

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  34. I love you so much and we've never even met! This is so perfect for me right now and really hit home. I feel like such a failure lately to everyone and everything. It's so nice to know I'm not alone. You are amazing and give so much to me by sharing your stories. Thank you for being here and always saying the PERFECT things. You are the BESTEST! :)

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  35. I know how you feel. Often when I feel like I'm trying my hardest to be a better wife, mom, friend etc. (but especially wife for some reason), it always seems like I fail BIG TIME. I think it's Satan trying to discourage me so I'll quit trying. And yes, I do love that God can create a beautiful mosaic out of all of us, despite all our efforts to the contrary!! Have a good Sunday!

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  36. Thanks for this post. Thanks for blogging! I truly believe you have a special gift and talent and are being used continuously by Him in many many ways! That is something to praise Him about!! I'm also thankful that I've found your blog....it helps me on so many days! :)

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  37. I really enjoy your blog. I have followed you for several years and always look forward to a new post. May I ask?????? Where did you find the ceiling light in your little girls room?? I simply LOVE it and would love one above my makeup area. Thanks Cheryl csmallsreed@aol.com

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