Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Oops, I did it again.

I still remember the freeing feeling when I kicked insecurity to the curb.  It was a few years ago, and I blasted it.  Bricks fell from my shoulders and I began to breathe again.  And like myself again.  I had just completed "So Long Insecurity" and I thought, (while raising my fist to the sky in true Scarlett O'Hara-ish fashion) "With God as my witness... I'll never be insecure again!" 

Of course, then life... the great equalizer, hit me from a few different and unexpected sides and I couldn't seem to dig my self out from the rubble it left me under.  I needed someone on the outside with a shovel.  I began saying that nastiest of things to my self.  The more I beat up on myself from the inside, the more my world closed in tightly, around me, which goes against everything I stand for.  But I felt paralyzed and unable to stop it.  I was finding that my initial reaction to people and scenarios were skewing immediately to uncharacteristic judgement, probably not surprising since that's how I was viewing myself.  Critical feelings that are out of character for me ordinarily, were bubbling under the surface, everywhere I turned.  I was spiraling deeper and deeper into self-loathing mode. 

I began doing a scramble, that is all too familiar to me.  Attempting to reign it all in, control it, smooth it, mask it, hide it, and finally... perfect it around the edges.  I was doing the dance of "pretend you're okay and then you will be." But I hadn't been "okay" for a year.  I just hadn't.  I didn't like to talk about it in specifics but I found two women that I could be downright, ugly, carelessly specific.  I thank God for them.  They were/are still struggling in some of the same places, right alongside me.  Which made me realize that it was finally time for that shovel and an outside source for us all.   

I reached for my "So Long Insecurity" and it fell open to a very worn-in page; 105.  A page that is circled, arrowed, starred, question marked, underlined and highlighted.  Beth Moore writes something that has hit me so many times that I've underlined it each time I've read it, and it seemed to apply to the situation and the ways I've been manifesting my own junk.  "We will never feel better about ourselves by becoming more consumed with ourselves. Likewise, we will never feel better about ourselves by feeling worse about others."  

I own it.  I've been guilty of that one way too much. 

Pride, check. 

Insecurity, check.

Everything that follows in the wake of those two life-choking ships, check. 

I think I broke my own heart with this.  So I let the tears fall down my cheeks as I asked God for help, wisdom, forgiveness and healing.  I've been such a fool in some big areas.  I was so afraid that I had crossed an uncrossable line, unable to accept, change, and be freed.  And then while doing my bible study, I read the words that lifted me gratefully, once again, from that pit of self.  "God's kindness leads you toward repentance." (Romans 2:4b)  Kindness.  Not anger, not contempt, just kindness.

The same thing I had not been extending to myself (and others).  Kindness.  I felt about as tall as dirt, so it was fitting that I came across the words inscribed on the "shovel" that is now digging me out.  "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed.  Psalm 103:13-14"..."God Himself formed human emotions.  He knows how easily the heart can be broken.  The mind can be marred.  He knows life hurts... because people hurt... and then hurt people.  He also knows the resilience with which He made us and the innate capacity within each one of us to be restored.  Remade.  He knows we are capable of loving even when we feel unloved because He loves us enough to cover those who don't....He knows we have the capacity to be astoundingly extraordinary, and not just in spite of where we've been, but because of it." 

As I unravel my knotted insecurities over past once again, and let go of some things, I am digging myself out with kindness.  To myself.  To others.  We beat ourselves up over careless words we say (or hear.) Choices we make.  Past mistakes.  Errors in judgement.  Relationships we've wrecked.  Opportunities we've missed and people we've misjudged. It goes on and on and it makes us feel worthless. We can't lift our head to help others if our leg is pinned under the boulder of self.... and feeling worthless is a form of self and twisted pride, keeping us at the center of our own universe.  It's a specially designed trap of the enemy of our soul.  We are not worthless... we have been redeemed by a God who gave us everything, and He is kind.  His kindness calls to our hearts and we respond in repentance and find our security by His side.  

Kindness amidst the mess we've made, spilled over into our life by a loving God who forgives and heals... and then pouring out into others expanding our tiny universe, which is the only reason we are here. 

I'm going to be chewing on this one a while.  And I don't know about you, but I could be a lot kinder to myself...


Wendi@EveryDayMiracles said...

Oh my. Yes, yes, yes. this is so me. I read the book, lifted the fist, fell into the hole…. and time and time again God has used His word to pull me out. LOVE this post.

Lorraine and Jessica said...

I may need to get a copy of that book!!!!! I'm still battling insecurities and have noticed them coming out in other peoples''s ugly and needs to go!! P.S. I love the new "profile" picture of you on the side <3 super cute!!! Garden looks great too!!

Kelly Vos said...

Wow, POWERFUL! Thank you for sharing a part of your heart, it has really blessed, challenged, and encouraged me! And you are an incredible writer, this post could easily be in a devotional book. Hmmmm... Maybe a thought for the future? :)

Annie Wilcox Designs said...

My word for the summer has been kindness. I am reinforcing it at home by my actions and cheering on my kids, encouraging their actions. A silly facebook post of mine yesterday stated that killing with kindness was paying off two-fold. My kids had a flock of friends around at swim team. Brand new this year and having just moved to the area in December...they are seeing the results. Nice kids too!

Heather said...

Thank you for being so open to share your struggles. I hate it when I can feel, see, and determine what has gone astray with me, but am unable to fix myself immediately. I have felt worthless and that is probably the worst feeling in the world. Being kinder to ourselves is so important.

Elle Bee said...

I'm reading this from a different angle, specific to my own ugly, low place and it is something I just really needed to read. Thank you.

treyterson said...

mm oddly enough I came back from work today thinking that I needed a change I think I'm being taken for granted and maybe even advantage of. Pride is bolstered by "only you can do this" and "I don't know what we would do with out you". Of course I'm not always immune to flattery but it's been sounding a little hollow recently. I read your blog and recognised all those doubts and insecurities. Work without me would just be different, just as it was before I started. I went to work after being a stay at home Mum for -a long time- I miss my home.I do most of the stuff there to make it easier for others, I need to say I don't want to be here. For me ! I do not need this praise I know there are things I do well, somethings I need to do better and other things I need to try to find out how I good I can be at them. Here is to being honest with ourselves!

Yolanda said...

I am in a rut myself and have been trying to pull myself out. I do know that it is HIM that pulls us out if we let Him. I always try to do it on my own, when will I ever learn? Anyways, your beautiful words were for me today also. I have that book and have never read it!! I will pull it out today and start. thanks for being so raw and honest. I have to let Him shovel me out with His kindness. Blessings!
I agree, you need to write devotionals!

Urban Farmgirl said...

Oh girl, I soooo needed this today! How did you know? I am working on this one myself. It is a constant struggle with myself, and reading your words helped me more than you know. I'm sure I'll be back to read this again and again.

Happy Day, my friend! ;o)


Alicia said...

oh girl. i'm my own worst ridiculous is that!? i love your heart in this post. you are so brave. take every thought captive, dear friend. it really helps. as soon as you feel that ickyness sneaking in, block it out. stick it away.

lovin' on you today,

Donna said...

This is exactly where I am, too. I call it feeling FUSTY....Fat Ugly Stupid-y.
It is certainly not from God.
Climbing out again and finding kindness in my heart.

Kerri said...

I love your words..your heart..your photos and most importantly..your honesty. Thank you as always for opening up to all of us ladies who feel the same way!

Evy said...

Wow what a powerful post! Thank you so much as I too, have struggled with worthlessness...I too, will chew on this..Thanks so much.

Evy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Little Red Shop said...

Thank you for sharing this!!! If psychiatrists shared this perspective…they'd probably go out of business. The world is definitely a happier place when we look to see how we can encourage others…rather than wondering, miserably, why no one is encouraging us. That being said, I believe that folks who live to encourage others (have the gift of encouragement)…are often the ones who are most easily discouraged, because the enemy does not want us to be a light for the Lord!

God bless you!

: )

Julie M.

carissa at lowercase letters said...

now THAT is a quote. wow. it's always strange to me how i can be completely prideful yet totally insecure all at once. it's exhausting! i need more of Him and less of me. i'm there with you girlie.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for that. I would like to share this with the ladies at my church if that is ok? Thank you again

Melissa Emma said...

Thank you for this post! It is a word in due season for me. I just love your heart. :)

Kat Land said...

So true! Thanks for sharing your heart! I know when I begin to be critical of others it is b/c I am dissatisfied w/myself! The sneaky "enemy of our souls" is always looking for a way to disrupt our relationships w/ our Jesus and all those around us!
Love this proverb: 19:22a "What is desired in a man is kindness.." God is kind to me. Oh Father, may I be kind to myself and others! in Jesus' name!

Lacey said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your honesty & your spirit! I love that you can acknowledge hte "stuff" that we all deal with! We could all use a little kindness!

Cheryl said...

I could have written this post about me and what is on my heart . . . if only I could verbalize my feelings the way you do. You definitely have a gift and I appreciate you and your transparency. :)

Miller Family said...

I have this book on my "must read bookshelf" and may just have to move it to the front. Sounds like an awesome book full of things that I deal with as well. Thanks for your post!

Lemon Lane Cottage said...

Thank you for this Sasha. I have been beating myself up over a few things lately and have been totally self consumed. It's funny how the two go together and combined can make you feel as tall as dirt (love that image). I have that book and it just jumped to the top of my reading today. Thank you for your transparent heart. It is so easy to assume you have it all together. Patty

Julie said...

You've given me much to think about. I struggle with insecurity and fear and often wonder when I will be freed. I should look into the Beth Moore book you recommended.

Anonymous said...

I really, REALLY enjoy your blog! You inspire me and you are such a woman of God! I love that! Thank you!

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