A couple months ago, Adrain and I were sitting at a marriage retreat when we both realized out of the blue, that one of our passions were for young married couples. Walking alongside them, and encouraging them to get their heads in the game and keep their feet firmly planted on the path God wants them to walk. It's been thrilling to see the various sweet couples He has been placing into our lives since then.
What blows my mind is this. God always gives enough for the moment. Always. I've been getting to know Him all over again this month after going through and coming out the other side of a long and difficult personal journey. A couple of years ago, we wanted to do "something" for God and we jumped in with both feet, thinking He was leading us one way. Over and over again, we experienced Him roadblocking us, causing us to doubt we'd ever heard His leading in the first place.. or wondering how we'd gotten it so wrong and if we'd been hearing our OWN voices rather than His. Over time that discouragement felt like a personal rejection and both Adrain and I have been on a faith journey like we'd never experienced. Last month my prayers went a little like this, "God. I don't like you very much. I don't like what You've done and I don't like what You're doing. This sucks. The End." Then of course I'd feel uber guilty and I'd realize that my attitude was spoiled and toddlerish so I'd take a deep breath and (often through tears of frustration) apologize for telling the God of the universe that I didn't like Him or His sucky plan, and I began asking Him to change my heart. More to the point... I asked Him to change my feelings... and soften me again. My heart had gone very cold toward Him. (You know... because of His sucky plan and all.)
One day, I realized that I was miserable. (It was way more than circumstantial misery- it was self-inflicted.) It often happens like that doesn't it? You're going along, life is smacking you down a path you never chose and you start getting a little resentful toward the One who controls that life smacking, you begin fighting back with arrows of anger, frustration, bitterness and exasperation toward anyone in the way... and you suddenly realize that those feelings are just making you miserable.
I broke down in the semi-recent past and not only did I pray the sorry-for-saying-you-basically-suck-God prayer, I also prayed (more like begged and pleaded) the prodigal prayer. "I want to come back. Please take me back. I can't stand this anymore and I can't stand this coldness I feel and I have to come back. I'll do anything."
And with tears of regret over every feeling, choice, word, thought and fear I'd been letting take over my life, I felt His spirit nudge my heart with, "That's all it takes... just ask. One step. Open arms. Come close."
old new house... the one that never sold.... the one we love. Who knew. (My man's job is still a point of contention but I do believe something delightful will eventually turn up where he's closer to us, or we're closer to him and there's a whole lot more to it than that but I'll keep it simple for now.) So the Adventure Chronicles continue and every day He has given us enough. Whether it be enough work for me to make ends meet, enough encouragement to continue into a new ministry, enough forgiveness for myself and my naughty ways, or enough kindness and compassion that causes me to repent, it's always enough. I say all of that to encourage you in case you're where I was and struggling against feeling lost or cold or angry. There is hope.
"So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still along way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."