Some weeks are heavier than others, and this week was a kick her while she's down kind of week in many ways that I won't go into here. Better in the JJ department... but not so great in others. Last night, my puppy who refuses to potty train, made yet another mess on my rug... and I had. just. had. it. (Tell me you've been there.) My man, who had been up since 3 am because he is working ridiculously long days right now got upset with me... because I was upset with my dog. Anyway... it was a comedy of nasty words, high emotions and I stalked off and went to bed. Raise your hand if you can relate to that kind of day/week. (I'm not recommending letting the sun go down on your anger... I'm simply admitting that I did it for maybe the second time in my entire marriage.) I didn't sleep at all of course, because well.. I was cranky... I had been unreasonably nasty to the man I love most... and my puppy is still learning, yada, yada, yada. Needless to say, I really needed to begin my day with God.
I know that's not true, and conveying it to him so that he truly believes it is excruciating and seems impossible because of what he so firmly questions. I will go to any length to squeeze that horrible thought out of his head and press in just how precious he is and how much I adore him. How I wouldn't want him to be any other way.
Why is it so difficult for me to accept the same assurances of love from my Heavenly Daddy? Because when it all comes down to it, I do the exact same thing, convinced that I'm worthless. Inadequate. Lacking. And constantly seeking that reassurance from the people around me. Over the past week I felt invisible to a few friends. I wanted them to really hear my concerns and validate them. I was chased by mean words and I wanted someone to step in and defend me. I was passed up on the running trail by a grandmother pushing a jogger stroller and I wanted someone to tell me I was still doing a good job. (It's okay... you can laugh. I really am that slow.) I spoke with a counselor about my son and I desperately wanted reassurance that they simply didn't give. I've been trying to train a dog that seems un-trainable I wanted someone to tell me I was doing it right. I compared myself to countless others and wanted to know I was still okay even if I wasn't as good, as fit, as pretty, as accomplished, as successful, as calm, as good at photography... it goes on and on... These are all me-centered mistakes. No one has to tell me that, because I already know that.
So when I read my email devo about how God has chosen each one of us uniquely for His purposes, I wasn't surprised to see the passages of scripture that I've been steadily feeding to my son. A nutritious diet of Psalm 139:13-16. (Message) Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.
new study I just began with my sis-in-law was on pretty much the exact same thing today. In it, Karen Morerod writes, "One of the hardest prayers I've prayed is that I will see myself as God does. It's too bad I know myself so well. I recall every ugly thought, shameful action, and nasty word that's come out of my mouth. How could God love that? But God sees the potential in me. He remembers the original plan for my life, how he wired me, and he is confident that, as I trust him, the one who sees beneath, I can do exactly what He purposed from the beginning."
Oh praise God that's true. And though I was at the point of working through some of that... when I came out to make breakfast, I was greeted by a sweet note (of reassurance) from my man when he left at 5:00 am. And he even called me his "sweet beautiful bride" in spite of myself.
Ah reassurance... it's a funny thing isn't it? You can live without it... but it's oh-so-nice to have. Today I'm going to try really hard to get it from the ONE source who gives generously to all-the only Source that really matters. Oh how He loves and accepts us just the way we are! Let's grab a hold of that kind of love and acceptance.
In spite of ourselves.
P.S. The winners of the Rusted Chain giveaway were Laura@cowboy boots and Kelly Cach. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your prizes!