I keep hearing tidbits of information here and there ".... seasonal depression... common..." etc. Maybe. But as I drove around picking up items for my shop today I found myself reflecting. Reflecting on my sadness, my loneliness, my heart right now. I'm in a funk. I'll just straight out tell ya that if you couldn't already tell for some reason. We all go through them but this one is lasting a really long time and I can't seem to kick it. I normally can!! Frustrating. I have people in my life encouraging medicine, others encouraging not to go that route and through it all I know that God is my rock... and my answer. He can lift me up and out of the hole I've sunk into.
Adrain and I are questioning a lot. We are terrified that when we were presented with a job choice a year and a half ago, we made the wrong choice. Maybe we made the safe choice... not the faith-filled choice. We knew it was a gamble of either transferring and losing a lot in the process, a loss we can't seem to recover from... or take the risk of losing the job itself. Hindsight says he probably wouldn't have lost the job after all. But we didn't know and we were scared. We covered the thing in prayer and made the choice we thought was right. We've been waiting for rescue since that day, doing our level best to accept... go...embrace... to be in the present while simultaneously begging for release. We sigh, and then we thank. Because in light of millions of other problems... it's not so bad. I often want to smack us.
As I drove I listened afresh to the words of "Blessed be Your Name," playing on my radio. It occurred to me that maybe we are in a season of "take away." Sometimes He gives... sometimes He takes away but we are called to praise Him with full hearts, trusting He knows. I'm finding it so hard to do this. I must figure it out. Must.
I'm sure I can trust you with this. Trust you to be kind. I simply had to let it out.
Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me. Psalm 103:2
One foot, in front of the other, thanking, praising, trusting, waiting.... While the rain falls.