Thursday, May 16, 2013

Those who know my heart... know it.



I have to come clean on something.  As I blog and show photos of this and that in my house or other things, and sometimes dip into the serious waters of my heart, I have been struggling behind the scenes with something. The fear that our long-ago pursued dream to downsize our mortgage and live our life in a way that blesses others whether it be financially, opening our home with hospitality, mentoring, or otherwise... has come to a complete and total stand-still.  I remember the feelings I had when I wrote this post- the one about how we did all those fun updates and things to our kitchen- things I had literally imagined doing for nearly a decade- but the bottom line at the end of the day, was that it's just a house.  At the time I blogged that I really hoped if God asked me to leave it all behind and take a leap of faith, I would step out that front door in a heartbeat. 

Friends, if you could only know the journey Adrain and I have been on since that moment.

It felt like life slammed us in the stomach with a story so far off the beaten path we had previously been walking on, that we couldn't really talk about it in detail to anyone.  We kind of still shake our head sometimes and think, "What is this all about?" Occasionally I blog about the pieces I can share but it's hard not to be able to just vomit it all out there so you guys can actually get the whole picture. Those who know me well, know the general junk that we feel comfortable sharing out loud.  One or two people have probed and pursued me, and have let me go deep.  

And loved me anyway. 

It all began here.  Along the way it's been exciting, eye-opening, cloudy, confusing, backward and at a dead stop.  We're currently in the dead stop.  That sounds so dramatic, but in this economy we are pretty much frozen right here in this place, unless God opens a door to something different. I know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. 

God has certainly been silent in our story for what seems to Adrain and I like a long time.  It's always longer when you're the one living it, isn't it?  I always laugh when I realize someone "I just heard was pregnant" delivered her baby a month ago.  I think, "What?  Nine whole months have passed?"  (And of course to her, it's small lifetime.) 

I have been so encouraged because of something I just heard this week. "When you are going through something hard in your life and wonder where God is, remember, that the teacher is always silent during the test."

No pretty bow at the end of this post... just something to chew on. 



37 comments:

  1. Hun thank you for sharing this "real" post with us! ~Hugs~ You are just so right about the last part but some times you just want to scream it out....LOL These are the times that we learn our real faith and just how strong it is. I will keep you in my prayers. :-)

    Remember something, even if you don't feel like your moving forward you are. You are an inspiration to many of us that read your blog and just love your creativity. THANK YOU for that! ~hugs~

    Debra
    MsMoozy's Open House

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  2. I love that, "the teacher is always silent during the test". Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Me too! It really hit home for me.

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  3. SO true, the teacher is silent during the test.........hopefully you'll get your 'grade' soon and can begin on the adventure you are meant to go on. And yes, you are an inspiration to those of us who read your blog, so you might be helping others out there and don't know how much you have inspired your life. I feel when you put your life out there in a blog, someone will be reading it and gain inspiration, hope, etc. So know you are partly on your path by your inspiration and putting yourself out there for others to read. Thanks for sharing what you can.....

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  4. Oh my that's a great quote! Hugs Sasha!!! xo

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  5. It always seems so confusing when we don't know what God has in store for us, but it seems to make perfect sense in retrospect. We sold our home last fall, but it wasn't the first time we had it on the market. We had our hearts set on a pretty farmhouse in the country. It was too expensive for us, but we were hoping it would come down $20K. Within a day or two, it did. We thought that was our "sign," and we jumped on listing our house. I still felt this turmoil inside about selling. Was it the right move? Were we doing the right thing? I prayed my 2'x4' prayer. It goes something along the lines of,"Dear God, I dont' 'do' subtle. I need to know your plan, and I want your will for my life. Please hit me with a 2'x4' answer in this, because I just don't get it." Within two days, our dream house burned to the ground. Not only did it burn, it was a slow news night, and it was top story. So, they zoomed in on it, and got quiet so the tv audience could "hear all that old wood inside crackle from the fire." I was crushed.

    Then my mother reminded me of my prayer, and that I had my answer. I still wasn't so sure if God actually heard the prayers of lil' ol' me, and what if it was just a cruel joke? Within a few days, I found a key in our air duct that I have swept out a zillion times...a key to the deadbolt on our front door that we never had a key for. Finally, we received notice that our escrow had been miscalculated, and our house payment was dropping nearly $100 per month. That's when I finally figured out that God was listening. Soon afterwards, I lost my job. We would have been in quite the pickle had we bought that house, and I'm so thankful He didn't allow us to do that.

    We did finally end up relisting and selling our house a couple of years later (last fall). I felt this strong pull to sell it, and I knew it was from God. We found a house that was less money than the original house we wanted, and we like it soooo much more. It's peaceful here. It's in the country. It's what we always, always wanted. Our hearts are home.

    Be patient. I know it's easier said than done, believe me. Just because you're ready for that new house doesn't mean that new house is ready for you just yet. God has a way of filling in all the blanks when the time is right. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  7. I'm so sorry about your ongoing struggles, girl. I love "the teacher is always silent during the test". Words to cling to for sure. That hits me where I am too. ♥

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  8. Such a profound post my dear! Being in God's waiting room is such a tough place to be, but when we look back we usually see that it's exactly where we needed to be. May the Lord give you peace and strength as you wait on HIm. Sweetest blessings!

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  9. Big hugs my friend. I love that quote. I just know there is going to be a giant rainbow reward from all the rain. It's coming.

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  10. Loved the last quote...and you are not alone.

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  11. Blessings my friend. You are not alone. It is so difficult to be patient and wait for His direction. All in good timing. Blessings, Susan

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  12. Sasha, although I only know you from the blogging world, I have come to know your heart through your family, your home, and your faith. Thinks are bound to get better! Glad you shared. It's nice to have friends surrounding you.

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  13. Wise words!!! Doing my best NOT to lose sight of my hopes and dreams to serve God in certain ways..I know the stand still feeling because I'm in my own! Things look soooo much different than I thought they would. And you are so right, it's okay, it's His plan. He's right here!!!

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  14. Hang in there sweet friend - your rainbow will come :)

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  15. What a great quote! Thank you for sharing!

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  16. "When you are going through something hard in your life and wonder where God is, remember, that the teacher is always silent during the test."

    Wow!

    Powerful!

    Chewing on this one . . . as "the Teacher" has certainly been silent during our HARD tests lately.

    Hugs!

    Laurel :)

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  17. I just speak peace over you and beautiful dreams to come true for you and your family. I don't like these kind of times either, but He will somehow give beauty for ashes. Words seem so inadequate, but I think you have a lot of love here:)

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  18. Very well put and such a good reminder. Thanks!

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  19. Prayers! Love the quote & so needed to hear that myself!!

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  20. ooooh....always silent during the test...that's good. sasha, I really am so so sorry. Jarrod and I have gone through some STUFF lately and it has really really sucked. I hated it, but at least (for my sake) it hasn't lasted as long as your icky STUFF. I get it...what you're going through, but only a little because we only did it for like nine months. for you its been like four years and I'm so sorry. I want things to change for you so bad and I know it will. Keep looking up...things have to change.

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  21. Sasha...I love that quote. I stumbled on to it last summer when I was going through a time that I felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers and was silent. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your life and your faith. Blessings. Denise

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  22. This post really touches my heart today. I will write down this quote and keep reading it...been a rough couple days. Thank you for being so honest. I am so glad I checked your blog early this morning!

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  23. Sasha, We have been through this stage many times in our almost 14 years of marriage. Thank you for sharing your heart and always being so open and honest. It definitely helps to know that there are other sisters in Christ sharing the same struggles and trials. We are not alone! Makes me think of one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite Christian artists. Sara Groves - Hello Lord
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2nAWoS_j0

    Sending love!

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  24. Love your heart. It's so hard when God is silent and we are walking around and it seems as if we are the only ones going through a trial. :( I have been on a mission to read all the books I have bought through the years and not read...yeah, there's a bunch. :P So, ten or so years ago when everyone was reading "The Purpose Driven Life" I bought it, started it but never finished. I read chapter 22 today. It is for you!! Well, it was for me too! I practically underlined all of it. ;) If you have the book, go get it and read chapter 22!! Some statements that really resonated with me and I think they will with you too: You were created to become like Christ. God's ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development. Every time you forget that character is one of God's purposes for your life, you will become frustrated by your circumstances. Much confusion in the Christian life comes from ignoring the simple truth that God is far more interested in building your character than in anything else. I hope these can encourage you today just as the statement about the test did. :) Your blog is always an encouragement to me. :)

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  25. Sasha, I can only say this, you will get your happy ending, one day, you will only remember this a bump in the road. Your faith and your family will get you both thru this, but in the meantime, enjoy your kiddos, because they are growing up faster than you can and want to imagine. Last year, we went thru a very hard time in many aspects, I always kept asking and praying for things to get better, they slowly have, but while going thru this difficult period, I came across a saying at my sons school, of all places, it said "be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle". That quote is so very true.

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  26. wow, that is good stuff. I must be taking a test right now, too....since January, oy! Thanks for sharing this because many times I think that I am the only one struggling with similar feelings.

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  27. I'm so sorry for your struggles. We are going through some rough things right now too, and it does seem that God is silent sometimes. I love the quote. It's so true. Thanks for that.

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  28. Wow...just wow. What a profound statement and so true. Just remember silence does not mean absence. Hang in there. I have been in the midst of something for over a year now with no clear answers either. Beth Moore said something in a bible study that really resonated with me. To paraphrase her, "There may be things in further generations being influenced by what God is working out in us today." In your case, staying put right now is important for reasons that may influence your grandchildren. Trust Him and trust in His word. Isaiah 55:8-9

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  29. Awww, lovely, I just want you to know that you’re not walking alone. It sounds as though you have a sweet inner circle of dear ones to whom you can share it all and that makes me so glad. I love that though you always keep it real you don’t fall into the “over-sharing” world that’s become the norm in our little “look at me!” world. But what you shared today in such an articulate and elegant way brought a lump to my throat. I don’t know all of the details or your precious story (and they’re not mine to know) but the hurt you shared resonated deeply with me. I am swimming right next to you sweet girl. Legs aching, arms tired, just trying to get to the shore though. A shore that’s invisible many days. But I know that I know that it is there for all of us for whom the ultimate compass, the maker of the seas and this green earth guides our stroke, buoys us.

    May each day be sprinkled with more and more abundant living for you and yours. Praying the fog lifts soon and the land in front of you blows your mind. You are loved.

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  30. Thank you for your honesty. Definitely a confirmation for me and my family. Know that you are not alone. Yes, God is silent sometimes in our lives but for good reason, always. Hang in there, He'll never mislead you. Your hearts are righteous and God definitely sees that. Stay in prayer, as believers our prayers never come back void. I feel in my heart, God is on the verge of doing something big here on this earth. Jeremiah 29:11 Blessings :O)

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  31. Hi! I'm Beja! We are just meeting. I accidentally happened upon your blog from a Pinterest bunny trail. This time last year, I was praying and not feeling like God was answering. It felt like silence. I knew God would speak, but I was extremely lonesome for feeling his presence. Out of a sudden crisis, God spoke to me. And I'm telling you, this was a life changing moment. Something I totally wouldn't have asked for because it was awful. If I gave you my full menu of the different crisis moments in my adult life, you would have thought this one would have broken us, but I am seeing a transformation in our lives that is from the core. A transformation only explained by God's grace. Our home is forever changed, and we were already all believers, but God said on July 4th of last year at 2 AM in the middle of my crisis, "Freedom is here." The past year, we have been on a journey to FULL freedom from many of the things that tied us down. Our problems haven't wiped away, but we are changing.

    Just wanted to share something I had the privilege to share with our church this morning (I'm a worship leader). I prayed this over the church:

    "Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping. " -Romans 4:8
    "He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises." -Romans 4:21

    I deeply identify with your need to serve others, and this is a desire that has had many roadblocks for our family, too! It's a spiritual battle, but we will win!

    Thanks for sharing your heart!

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  32. heartfelt and heard from one heart to another. God is good, you will find strength in His love. Even when silence is all you hear, your heart hears, hang in there He is close.I send HUGS!

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  33. the teacher is always silent during the test.
    very true and I'll never forget it.

    thought about you guys all weekend...so glad it was so good and filled to the brim with memory making.

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  34. I just found you via a comment you left at Rareandbeautifultreasures and followed you here because we're also in the midst of a downsizing ... almost 5 years in and we're feeling stuck at the moment too. It is hard when we think we've made the right choices but things seem harder. I'll be reading more of your blog. Always good to find a kindred spirit.

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