I have to come clean on something. As I blog and show photos of this and that in my house or other things, and sometimes dip into the serious waters of my heart, I have been struggling behind the scenes with something. The fear that our long-ago pursued dream to downsize our mortgage and live our life in a way that blesses others whether it be financially, opening our home with hospitality, mentoring, or otherwise... has come to a complete and total stand-still. I remember the feelings I had when I wrote this post- the one about how we did all those fun updates and things to our kitchen- things I had literally imagined doing for nearly a decade- but the bottom line at the end of the day, was that it's just a house. At the time I blogged that I really hoped if God asked me to leave it all behind and take a leap of faith, I would step out that front door in a heartbeat.
Friends, if you could only know the journey Adrain and I have been on since that moment.
It felt like life slammed us in the stomach with a story so far off the beaten path we had previously been walking on, that we couldn't really talk about it in detail to anyone. We kind of still shake our head sometimes and think, "What is this all about?" Occasionally I blog about the pieces I can share but it's hard not to be able to just vomit it all out there so you guys can actually get the whole picture. Those who know me well, know the general junk that we feel comfortable sharing out loud. One or two people have probed and pursued me, and have let me go deep.
And loved me anyway.
It all began here. Along the way it's been exciting, eye-opening, cloudy, confusing, backward and at a dead stop. We're currently in the dead stop. That sounds so dramatic, but in this economy we are pretty much frozen right here in this place, unless God opens a door to something different. I know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way.
God has certainly been silent in our story for what seems to Adrain and I like a long time. It's always longer when you're the one living it, isn't it? I always laugh when I realize someone "I just heard was pregnant" delivered her baby a month ago. I think, "What? Nine whole months have passed?" (And of course to her, it's small lifetime.)
I have been so encouraged because of something I just heard this week. "When you are going through something hard in your life and wonder where God is, remember, that the teacher is always silent during the test."
No pretty bow at the end of this post... just something to chew on.