Tuesday, May 27, 2014

This goodness

It would happen almost weekly.  Still and dark, wind whispering through the trees outside our bedroom window, my baby fast asleep in his little crib, I would burst out of the same frantic nightmare, my heart racing with heaviness.  It always had the same setting.

I would be standing in front of the bank counter where I had worked as a teller and my hands would be full of money as I counted.  Phones would be ringing and there would inevitably be a line of impatient customers all the way to the door.  I'd be working as hard as I could but there at my feet I would suddenly discover my small son, nestled in a basket.  As soon as I noticed him,  he would wake up squalling, demanding my immediate attention and I would begin to panic.  How could I take my break with all those customers and how could I nurse my son as I worked?  The panic would wrap like a vise around my neck and I would stand there paralyzed by it.

Suddenly I would awaken, to a house filled with calm and quiet. My husband's regular breathing and the familiar weight of his arm draped across my waist would help me distinguish dream from reality.  It took some time, after I left my job in banking to be a mother, for those fears and nightmares to ebb.  I had enjoyed my job for the most part, but it never filled any of my creative side and I think that part drained me over time and created a huge wall of stress around me.  I was a mother at 25, having been married for five years at that point and still discovering myself in many ways. We were broke as could be but we worked and worked to make it so I could stay home with our son- something that had been my dream job since I was a tiny little girl.  At the time, I could hardly believe I finally got to do this after five years of working to support my college-attending man. 

I never understood why I had such stress-filled nightmares, post-working to be honest.  I didn't even like talking about this subject with my working mom friends very much.  We all have a story about work, being able to stay home, not being able to, wishing we could, wishing we could leave... there's no right answer because it's all very individual.  All I knew was that I really didn't ever want to go back.  To work.  Ever.  Period.  Just thinking about it would put that deep panic in my heart and I'd start having that same stressful banking dream where I'd find myself inexplicably nursing some baby (mine were grown) and counting cash to a stranger.  Super weird. 

A few years ago, I started selling my artwork all while still being a mostly stay-at-home mama.  After that, I began publishing a monthly decorating Ideabook for Houzz, and later got hired to write weekly, here.  Countless opportunities that have helped us make all the ends meet have come from this little 'ole blog such as being hired to photograph items for people, sharing products and promotions, etc.  Recently, I got the amazing opportunity to begin working part time, for a friend who also happens to be a professional organizer.  One night a few weeks ago it occurred to me that I've been given an amazing gift.  I love my jobs!  All of them!  I've had to drop a couple of commitments that I loved in the name of balance during this season, but I'm still able to do many of the things I enjoy that help our household.  Which got me thinking.  This car situation... if I am seeing the way God has worked out part time work on my behalf  these past few years, how on earth do I ever justify working myself up into a tizzy about how He is going to work out all the details about that!?

  

 

The point is this.  God has opened crazy doors that I'd never have dreamed up on my own, and I'm thankful and realizing that His plans for me are far better than the ones I'd have written on my own behalf if I was in charge.  So because of that I will be thankful for His plans and I will continue to choose to trust.  I'm sure I won't get it right every minute of every day, but hopefully I can keep this truth in mind when I begin to panic because all I have to do is look backward and see His faithfulness to this family and how He has filled this life with GOODNESS.

How about you- anything you're looking backward on and tucking away as a reminder for today's unanswered questions?

(**In the mean-time I've been working out some of that waiting time with the unknown in the studio, and I've got a few new items on my shop shelves . (pictured, above)  (I'm finishing a few summery prints and hope to get them listed soon.)  For now I've got my new logo image (the ball jar and lemons) in my shop, along with those cute laminated grocery lists.  (Click here to shop.)**)

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10 comments:

  1. Oh, such great reminders of God's goodness, grace and timing! And, He already has the car situation figured out and reveal it in His time. You are so talented and creative and I'm so happy for all the doors that have and are opening for you to use these gifts. Happy rest of the week!

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  2. God is good ALL the time. Even when we don't feel it. Hang in there!

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  3. so, sasha...i tried to look you up on Houzz...how do i find your ideabooks? --katie

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  4. never mind! found it!! i love your style sasha! i'm going to check out your ideabooks. we are trying to hang ikea foto pendants... we have new 'exposed trusses'...they have to sort of hang from them. i need ideas. homemade kitchen design!
    --katie

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  5. When I left my job, I had dreams a lot like your yours. I would wake up feeling very anxious and had a hard time breathing. Those feelings have passed since I started following my real dreams of writing my own cookbook. It feels so great to love your job, huh?

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  6. Your blog is just a ray of sunshine in my day.Thank you for taking the time to wright. Your car is on the way,God's just got to drive it from heaven for ya!!!!

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  7. Ok, reading this about brought me to tears but in a good way! This is way more info than I'd care to reveal normally but we are all friends here right? LOL So I battled a fierce case of depression after the birth of my second daughter. We were going through a bad financial situation and I too went back to work at a job that was tough and to make a long store short, I had a break down and our car got repo'd in the same month. It was ugly, so so ugly. Well we made the decision to not fight for our car back and to not replace it. We became a family with 2 kids under 5 and no car. Well to make a long story short my husband was able to take a new job which in turn led to a better job working for our city. All of which happened because we felt comfortable taking the leap into different employment now that we didn't have that car payment. It was one of those situations where I looked in the mirror and thought "could it get any worse?" Not realizing that God's plan was rad and all we had needed was 150% trust in that. I love that he is the ultimate artist, sometimes it just takes awhile to see the picture he paints. Praying for you!

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  8. Your artwork is beautiful, but I must say that what I really love here
    is what you write....always such a blessing.....sooooo encouraging........
    whether you are sharing a newly made over laundry room, surviving :>)
    a child's birthday slumber party or the trials of a car gone bad...I am always
    so very blessed...you're are a blessing!
    Corinne

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  9. This is one of my favorite blogs, so it's extra great to hear you say you LOVE your jobs! Not many people can say that! So happy for you!

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  10. Oh, I had almost the same dream for years! Except that I'd find myself in a school staff room and wonder where my girls were, then remember I had put them into childcare without noticing! For me even that idea was terrifying (here in Australia it is normal to have 1 year maternity leave and not many of the mums I know work full-time). It was a good indication for me also that I wasn't supposed to be working away from home. But God has provided work for me too, with piano teaching at home when the girls were old enough and a music class at school where they could be involved in the first year. It's only been now that they are in high school that I have done a few days of substitute teaching at their old primary school. But then one of my daughters started having health and anxiety issues, and i was so thankful I didnt have a regular job. God knows what we and our families can cope with, the future reasons why it's best that we are at home, and He also provides. And I also marvel at the way He gives many women the stamina and organizational skills to work many hours and be loving mothers and homemakers, also. I am so glad you can look back and see God's provision in your life.

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