Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Where the rubber of "faith" meets the road...

Ugh. Raw, real life faith. 
  
 
 
Last night Adrain was working in the office, on a letter of great significance for our family, while I laid on the guest room bed vomiting out my heart to every girlfriend that called me up, and honestly, that's better than free counseling.  I'm not even kidding when I say that I would hang up and then another friend would call.  It was like they planned it.  Then another friend showed up with a london fog and doughnuts for my kiddos before school today. Friends are the best. Earlier yesterday (6:30 am to be exact) my phone rang and it was my man, calling to let me know his car engine had blown up and he was stranded on the freeway of his daily commute.

Nice.  Happy Monday morning.  Hours later we realized that this was no small thing- the car repairs would be in the $6000+ ballpark and well... that wasn't going to happen in this season of life. But of course neither was a monthly car payment and we work in two different towns so sharing a car means one person is stranded.  Stuck.  I felt instantly stuck and cried and felt sorry for myself all day. (My gracious girlfriends said that I was "just being real." Okay, I'll go with that. It sounds better.)

 As I laid my head on the pillow last night, bone weary, heart weary, cried out, emotionally tired... I told my man that it was the first time since we were newlyweds that we had a problem with no immediate solution.  The word hopeless just kept floating around in my head all day because we are facing a problem that we honestly have no hope of solving on our own.  We just don't.  We need a miracle and for the first time in a long time, we actually can't get by without one in some capacity.  We have a borrowed car for a few weeks and we've got to magically come up with a solution in that amount of time.  It scares me.  

My heart knows that God is able, capable, mighty to save, yada, yada, yada.  My head is quietly whispering, "Yeah well just because He can doesn't mean He will." As if this problem is too big. It shames me, this lack of ready faith and it shows me just how much I still depend on my own self and not Him for my answers.  I once read that Jesus can't be all you need until He is all you have. 

I have lived that in a rather metaphorically lofty way but never in an actual, present, reality kind of way.  Like, "Dear God, I have no car or funds to purchase one, can't afford a monthly car payment and don't know what to do about it because I see no solution, please Help" kind of way.

I guess this is where the rubber of faith meets the road.  I am swimming in the failure of my lack of faith and I'm sorry I can't get my act together and present a better facade for y'all, but this is real.  At the same time, I have been able to thank Him deeply and honestly, because I trust Him. I know that makes no sense when I say it like that because the two contradict one another.  I can't explain that.  I don't have to like it but I can trust it. And I don't like it.  Not at all. I don't know what God has planned but ten years ago if you had told me that a car problem would break me into pieces and have no solution, I would have laughed at you.  We hadn't experienced a downsize yet, bought our cars new or fairly new, and breakdowns were things we laughed about from high school days when we drove old crappy cars.  Life changed after our downsize (I know many of you relate heartily to this) and on the whole we've adjusted mostly and I would even go so far as to say that we're even happier... but I still struggle with not worrying about things that I can't control.  Worry solves nothing. I know this.  I do.  So I'm working on that.  (And trying not to worry about my worrying problem.) (ha!)

I guess I'll close with the verse that popped up yesterday, when I googled "a bible verse when things feel hopeless." 

"God is a safe place to hide,
    ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
    courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
    the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
    God-of-Angel-Armies protects us."

{Psalm 46:1-2 The Message}


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41 comments:

  1. I am slowly learning that it is in my neediest moments that the Lord shows up in the biggest ways. Not necessarily the ways I want or think I need, but in His perfect plan, His perfect timing. Perhaps He is asking you to walk in faith, a little more. Maybe He is wanting you to lean hard into Him. I just prayed for you-for your immediate situation, for His sustenance, and for your heart.

    Alison
    Nancherrow

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    1. I love this. And yes I have to agree that I do think He is asking me to walk and grow in my faith... THank you for those prayers girl. They mean a lot.

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  2. TESTING :: Oh girl - I get it. While I am not walking that road this minute... I have walked it before, and know that hopeless feeling, and the guilt of knowing I should depend on God, but... am not really doing so. It seems more immediate to take control for yourself, I think -- instead of waiting on God's timing. Know that you are in my prayers as you figure this all out. Praying that God will reveal his MIGHT to you and supply all of your need(s). Love ya! xo

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    1. It worked Sally!!! Yay!! :) Love you girl.

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    2. And thank you for those prayers!!

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  3. I feel like you are so marketable and could make MORE money off your blog than you do OR do ETSY big time! You have so many skills that getting a part time job seems so doable? Even if it was just for a short time so you could put the 6k on on your Visa and then pay it off quickly by working at Starbucks or the library or the best party store in town...or be a professional party planner!!! People would hire you in a SECOND!!!! You could do party planning over the internet. Giving ideas - looking at peoples spaces - helping with ideas.Charge by the party. $200 per party plan. I just STRUGGLED putting together a graduation party and I even thought to myself wow, if I could hire YOU then I would be set! There is MONEY THERE for you! I know you will make it. Remember you always have made and always will. I believe in more of a Law of Attraction Spiritual practice so I believe if you dwell on it won't help. But I also think you can't just not do something. Take small steps towards your dilemna and it will all work out. I truly believe that. Remember you have always figured it out. Keep faith that you will again, figure it out. Big HUG to you! Jennifer

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    1. You are so sweet. Of course there is so much more to "it" than I could publically share here. I do have a part time job- three in fact that all make up a part time income for us. They are all very flexible and we need that for reasons that I don't share much on here but have to do with kid stuff and issues there. And as for the car- it's so old that we have put thousands of $$ into it over the past three years and it's cost us so much more than we paid for it, and so much more than it's actually worth... we just don't want to pour more $$ into it and have it cost more in five months. That's been part of the problem. An unreliable car just charging up our credit cards in order to make it to work and back. Seriously feels like high school problems. Ha! There are other factors of course but I've got to keep those ones private... We have been over this thing backward and forward. Thank you for the ideas. I appreciate that.

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  4. I too am a worrier, and I trust the Lord too, so I totally understand where you are coming from. God is good all the time. Praying for you and your family!!

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    1. Yes He is... all the time!! :) Thanks for the reminder.

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  5. Sasha, while I hate the struggle you are going through, I so appreciate your honesty when faced with whatever this world throws at you. I often struggle with my faith in this way- I was laughing because we seem to have the same little voice in our head- I know He CAN, but I don't know if He WILL. That is so hard. I do know that if we do not NEED God, we really won't need him- does that make sense? And I do see around me all the time that while my need may seem great, there are others that have needs so much greater. It does not make my need any less, but it does somehow remind me to stop and be thankful for so many things: what I do have, that I do still need God always, and, selfishly, that my needs are indeed not as great as some around me. Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:10 have been resonating a lot with me lately. While he may not have been referring to the struggle of a family member with cancer, questioning my parenting, uncertainty about the right path, or even transportation issues, I like to think it applies to all of that and more. So whatever it may be, I delight in my struggles- well, sometimes 'delight' is a stretch- but I am thankful to be reminded that I do need our very big God, and he is in control- he is! He does have this, as yucky and hopeless as it may seem in the moment. Stay strong, Sasha! Your honesty and insight are always such inspiration to me : )

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    1. This is so crazy true and I almost made this a much longer post and talked about this a little... a local boy, aged 7, had tripped on a rock at a local park and fallen into a waterfal, breaking his spine. He was under water for 2 hours before they found him downstream, and he was in critical condition for a week. We found out yesterday, that he died. As I sat in the car with two cranky, fighting kids and drove to go pick up my man from work, all I could think about was how thankful I was that the phone ringing at 6:30 am wasn't the state patrol telling me that my husband had been killed in a car accident. It could have been so much worse! So yes I totally get everything you're saying and it's up there warring in my heart and brain. Wish it was easy to drop one set of feelings and worries and just let them go and embrace the thankfuls fully. Goodness.

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    2. YES. Remember that gratitude. Tell God more than you tell your girlfriends. Jehovah Jireh, Sasha. Always.

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  6. Our family has gone through its shares of struggles, many of them financial. I tend to be a worrier and stress about things that are not in my control, even while saying to myself and others that God will provide for us, He always does. It is not always easy to see that when you are in the midst of a trial, but what joy it brings when you can look back and see that God was there the whole time.

    Matthew 6:25-34

    Praying that God will bless your family with a good, reliable replacement vehicle!

    Blessings,
    Nadine

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  7. So glad you're hiding in Him. Praying for you. We are in quite the season right now too...this too shall pass:)

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    1. I know you are girly... we're two peas in a pod these days!

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  8. Each of us have been there (if we're not at this very moment) and it is reassuring to know that life hits us all.
    Hang in there friend.

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    1. I know... I think that all the time. It is kind of reassuring! (i'd say I like it better when I'm looking back, having come through the thing..ha!)

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  9. Oh Sasha, it seems when you pour out your heart you are speaking directly to me. I can relate to so much of what you have shared the past couple of years. Even this with your husband's car, because when my husband was forced to find another job a year and a half ago we had to go to become a "one car family" for now because he had a company vehicle before. My children are grown and I don't work so it is feasible but some days it wears on me. I know you have a good grasp on what God's Word says and I know you know God is working in your life to make you more like Him, but I can understand your hopelessness. I have dealt with feeling "hopeless" for awhile. Not only in my own household but in the area where I live the economy is bad because I live in "coal country" and the downturn of the coal industry has affected almost everyone I know. The "uncertainty" looms large here. It truly has been a test of faith for us personally and many I know. After something happened a couple of weeks ago (like you I can't share) my husband and I were discussing "where is God in all this?" and "what is He trying to do in our lives?" Honestly, I feel like we've been on a roller coaster for three years and quite frankly I want off. So, the next morning after our conversation I got my "The Purpose Driven Life" book out (obviously, along with my Bible) because I remembered there was a section on this subject so I'll leave you with a few statements of significance. I hope they serve as an encouragement and you won't feel like they're just just more "it will be okay" statements. "Everytime you forget that character is one of God's purposes for your life you will become frustrated by your circumstances." "God has a purpose behind every problem." "Regardless of the cause, none of your problems could happen without God's permission. Everything that happens to a child of God is "Father-filtered" and He intends to use it for good even when satan and others mean it for bad. " "Everything that happens to you has spiritual significance. Everything!" "Every problem is a character building opportunity, and the more difficult it is, the greater potential for building spiritual muscle and moral fiber." "You know you are maturing when you begin to see the hand of God in the random, baffling, and seemingly pointless circumstances of life." <<--- Whew!! I'm not there yet. :( Prayers for endurance and that God will provide! And that you to feel His presence!! Thank you for your transparency. It has really encouraged me!!

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    1. I love that... "Father-filtered." I do believe that. Trying to just be okay with the thought that He may have hard things for us sometimes and that's okay too...

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  10. I'm a long time reader, but a rare commenter. Had to say though, what you shared today spoke to me directly. I'm going through an upheaval, the company where I work was bought out by a larger company and I'm going to be out of a job in a couple of months. I'm my only source of income, so I'm scrambling to find something new. Willing to work anywhere, getting my house ready to sell so I can put it on the market, all while job hunting like crazy. I had an interview with what I think would be the perfect job for me and I'm afraid I blew it. I haven't heard anything back from the interviewer and I'm certain I would've by now if they were going to offer me the job. I've been praying my heart out, asking others for prayer too, because I want to feel settled. Whatever the outcome, I just want to know the plan. Trusting God's got this is easy to do, as long as He shares the plan with me. Or at least that's how I feel most of the times. Trusting God's got this even when He won't share His plan with me is much harder. And that's what I'm trying to do, and that's what your post encouraged me to do. Praying all goes well for your situation, and that you know your plan soon. Thanks for sharing and for being so real!!

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    1. Oh no! That feeling of blowing it is the worst. But you know that even if you interviewed perfectly and God didn't want you to have it... He would close that door. It's not all on your shoulders girl. I tell this to my man a lot- during the season back when he was interviewing especially. I've seen God close doors that I thought for sure were perfect and airtight. He does what He knows is right for us. (We dont' always love that though do we?) Hope you still hear good new for your sake though girl. Hang in there!

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  11. This is so scary similar to the Great Teeth Incident of 2010. It was the beginning of everything. Is it weird or annoying if I'm a little excited for you?? He's got this.

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    1. I adore you. I don't like these squeezes of faith though and look forward to being in this excitement stage you are in girl. I'll be praying for that... Excitement like Shannans!

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  12. I have walked where you are walking. I have cried where you are crying. I have railed against God who seemed to be ignoring my prayers. I have envied others who seem to live a less committed life and have it so easy while I who work so hard to stay faithful struggle. I have screamed at the TV when all the prosperity gospel preachers preach how much God wants to give you the desires of your heart...cause it sure hasn't felt that way. Then I have felt guilty for not trusting God or looking at what He has given as not enough. Lucky for you and me, God can take all my doubt, anger and crap that I spew forth. Lucky for you like me you have a husband who is steady and allows you to be you while helping you be better. I'd tell you not to worry or cry or to relax, but I know that is easier said than done....let's face it if you could turn it off, you would have a long time ago. This is what my husband says and I cling to it. 1. God never said it would be easy 2. He did not bring you all this way just to let you go now. 3. It is only money and really what is the worst that can happen. (My worst is letting my kids down, being embarrassed...you know pride stuff)
    I know and you know God is moving in your life. I have a hunch you are lot like me....you couldn't turn away from your faith even if you wanted to...it's in your DNA. I am praying for you right now that God gives you a glimmer...something to cling to that lets you know He is still there...because he is. When I miscarried someone gave me a book and in it were these words, "We live in an imperfect world and nothing is really fair. We won't see fair until we get to Heaven. Just know this...the angels weep with you."
    Keep trudging to the promised land...it is out there (and in weird sense...maybe you are there and don't know it. For us the worst happened financially and it ended up being the best....(that doesn't mean God and I aren't due for a long talk in Heaven some day!)

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    1. Thank you for the encouragement Patty. I so appreciate your words. I might join you in that long talk once we get to Heaven. Ha!

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  13. oh friend. i stand behind my declaration that you should write a book.
    love you & so sorry that the car thing is going on. i really am.
    your words are true & so powerful.
    i hope my comment about having a house full of people all driving cars didnt' sound like i was trying to one up you. ugh. we are in the tighest spot we've been in years and years. sigh.
    anyways. now i'm rambling...
    but tell me those bacon wrapped fig pieces were heavenly!

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    1. Just love you to pieces. You always inspire and encourage me Paige. Always!!

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  14. I am so sorry Sasha. I am praying. God will make a way in the desert.

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    1. That's a good prayer.. makes me take a deep breath just thinking about it. Thank you!

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  15. Oh, Sasha. I am praying for you ad your family and as often happens, you put into words what I struggle with in my own life. Thank you for being real.

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    1. You are so good to me... yes, it's all about being real. Just glad I haven't scared you off with that REAL. Haha!!

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  16. Sweet and precious Sasha. As I was reading your blog I heard the words "Be strong and courageous." So that is what I am passing on you today. I am lifting you up in prayer today asking that our good and FAITHFUL GOD will supply your need according to His riches in glory and that He will bless you with His peace, presence, provision, and protection. You are loved!! :o)

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    1. I LOVE that verse... thank YOU for that reminder. I really needed it. Gonna repeat it to myself over and over again this afternoon. Strong and courageous....

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  17. I get it.I really do.I don't understand how to not worry but think of how to make something happen? I mean how do you just not try to figure something out to make it work or let it be? If something needs to be done how do you just do nothing and wait? Ar'nt we supposed to keep pressing on ? keep moving forward? When one door closes find another door? How do you just do nothing and wait? It's a tuffy for sure.I pray that your car situation works out.I have been in that same place too, and it's frustrating. I'm in a waiting period too.Only it's to divorce or not.Alcalhol is the major factor.That leads to not working blah blah blah.My hubby of almost 30 years. It's a BIG BIG PICKLE. Good Lord send them a car!!!!!!

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    1. Oh girl I know.. you've been in a tough spot for a while now and yet here you are, encouraging ME and praying for me. Bless you for that. And yes I agree in questioning how to balance not worrying but trying to find a solution. Bah! No answer on that yet!!

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  18. I am praying for you. On another totally frivolous note, what's a London Fog (besides a brand of rain coats!)???

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    1. Ha it's an earl gray tea latte. My fave, since I don't drink coffee. :)

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  19. I asked Him to free you of this worry, He & I are tight like that, hang in there sweets and I look forward to your new creations in the shop!

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    1. I just told you this earlier but you are one of my favorite people. Thank YOU for always being so sweet and encouraging. You bless me constantly. Mwah!

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  20. I don't have the right words. I wish I did. Faith is confidence that what we hope for will happen and gives us assurance of things we cannot see... Yikes hard to live out in the thick of things.Love you friend.

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