Friday, October 10, 2014

Weekend thoughts

There was a crushing weight recently.  You may have sensed it here and there from snippets in my writing here and on Instagram.  Mostly I questioned blogging itself in that time period, but of course it went deeper for me.  I questioned those daily happenings because my daily life was in turmoil for various reasons that I won't delve too deeply into here.  Motherhood failures.  Friendship aches.  Life choices gone wrong or looking ahead yet to be made.  Family drama on every side.  It was too much and I know you can relate because we all have seasons that feel just that- "too much." 

I think often, we don't know how deeply we've sunk until we've been pulled out and can see the waves crashing beneath us as we're lifted to safety.  We look down and see the choppy waters that had been inches from dragging us under permanently and we feel strong emotions.  We feel relief, gratitude and often... fear that it will most likely happen again after a period of calm.  And when that next storm hits, will we survive?  Will the waves submerge us to the point of death?  Will the source that pulled us out continue to be reliable and trustworthy... will our rescuer continue to care enough to bother with us?

In these moments of calm, when my heart is full, I make a point to jot it down.  Here, in a journal, out loud to listening ears... someplace so that the ripeness of this solitary moment of calm is felt, remembered, and acknowledged.  I'm in that moment as I write to you this day.  Here in my home it is still.  Quiet.  Good.

 I'm coming off four of the most glorious days of motherhood I've had in months.  I saw a very specific prayer for my son get an answer and with it came a domino effect of good that has weighed me down like new snow on a branch.  Beautiful and clean and blessedly fragile but good nonetheless.  I'll take it.  And I'll document it because the weeks before this string of pearl-like days were ruthless.  They were awful and dark and hopeless and I wasn't sure of anything last weekend, as I shook and cried in Adrain's arms sobbing, "I feel so out of control"... and he held me close and shushed me and gently patted my hair (why does that moment feel so clear) and murmured, "I know sweetie...I know..." A dam was breaking in my heart and I felt that at any moment I was going to fall apart in the worst of ways. 

All around us we see miniature storms swirling around our loved ones and we can't fix any of them.  Adrain and I are both the eldest in our sibling groups and we are identically responsible, efficient, highly motivated and we solve problems.  Yet we're powerless with nearly all the situations around us, and that knowledge has robbed me of much precious sleep this week.  At one point I was wide awake at two am listing off prayers for people I know well and people I have never met in person but have become a part of my life via the internet.  Loved ones, all of them.  

In those dark silent moments this is a favorite from Isaiah 43:2 (The Message) (Also a personal favorite even though Adrain isn't a huge fan of the Message version.) (Whatevs... its speaks to me.) (grin) 

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place

43 1-4 But now, God’s Message,
    the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
    the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
    all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
    That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
    trade the creation just for you.

I love it.  I hope it lifts you up because it's a sure promise no matter your storm or the burden you're carrying. 

(All images included in this post, were taken from my Instagram feed)
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  1. So very true...we all have those's just how we come out of it in the end that matters.
    You write so beautifully. As a new followerer - I'm already hooked.
    Wishing you all the best and a love filled weekend.
    C x

  2. You always seem to write for me. October is my favorite month but this year everything came crashing down. I could not sleep, sick to my stomach and lots of tears in the shower. I finally sat down and laid it all at His feet. And tonight we received good news. I can now breathe..We just need to remember He knows what He is doing for our lives...xoxox

  3. Times can be so trying. They break us down, drag us along until finally we reach the point where we don't think we want to be on this ride anymore. Then something wonderful breaks through. I can relate. When my boy has what I call "spiritual growth spurts", it can be enough to make me pack my bags for greener pastures. But we know it will pass and something good will arise from the ashes. Just hang in there. It really will work out. Blessings...

  4. I so needed this. We are still there, after a very long 13 months of crushing weight on every side, still there, but knowing He is the God Who hears us and heals and restores us. This is just what I needed this morning... to hear His voice of peace. So thankful for answered prayers in your life and your precious childs, and grateful that you shared Gods goodness- what a blessing to others!

  5. Oh girl, I know that desperate feeling oh so well!!! It is debilitating for sure!!!!!! Thank God for loving arms and sweet husbands who just love us right through those times and for a wonderful loving God who never leaves us ever!!!!! I especially love this verse: Isaiah 26:3 You will keep "her" in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because "she" trusts in You!!! There's the key for us right there, in those choppy water moments-to keep our eyes and mind focused on Him alone. He is worthy!!!! Praise God!!!!

    Side note: I ADORE that pic of you in that sweet hat with your eyes shifted to the side!!!! You're such a beautiful person Sasha! Thank you for being willing to share the good and the not so good!!!! God surely shines brightly through you <3 Sending you a great big hug from the East Coast!!!! {{hugs}}

  6. "We don't know how deeply we've sunk until we've been pulled out." Oh how true this statement is! It's sad to think the more people in your life, the more problems or you end up getting weighed down with their problems. I need to find a balance in this area too!! My children are grown so I am not dealing with the parenting issues but oh do I remember those days!! Thank you for sharing your heart and I am praying for you!! Isaiah 43:2 is one of my favorites too!!!

  7. You have the most beautiful way of sharing your experiences without being specific. . .which i think makes it all the more inspiring for me as a reader. . .in being non-specific you highlight the ways that these experiences are generally common to all of us. If that makes any sense? You really are just so inspiring. On another note (inspiring, but in a different way :) ), where oh where did you get that hat?? Is it a recent purchase?? It is quite simply perfect on you, and i need something like that!

  8. Sasha, this is one of your most beautifully written posts ever! I am also coming out of one of those seasons. September was a dark and gloomy season for me as a teacher when it should have been shiny and crisp like a new apple. October has proved far more promising. And you look absolutely stunning in that hat! Xo

  9. I'm sending prayers your way Sasha! Hang in there. Our Heavenly Father is always, ALWAYS mindful of us. You are His beloved daughter and He knows you and loves you. He will send miracles and tender mercies into your life to bear witness of that love. I wish I could come over and give you a hug :):).

  10. Sending prayers and hugs. So glad that things are better for you.

  11. Thank you Sasha for sharing this for being transparent youve blessed me today <3