I would be standing in front of the bank counter where I had worked as a teller and my hands would be full of money as I counted. Phones would be ringing and there would inevitably be a line of impatient customers all the way to the door. I'd be working as hard as I could but there at my feet I would suddenly discover my small son, nestled in a basket. As soon as I noticed him, he would wake up squalling, demanding my immediate attention and I would begin to panic. How could I take my break with all those customers and how could I nurse my son as I worked? The panic would wrap like a vise around my neck and I would stand there paralyzed by it.
calm and quiet. My husband's regular breathing and the familiar weight of his arm draped across my waist would help me distinguish dream from reality. It took some time, after I left my job in banking to be a mother, for those fears and nightmares to ebb. I had enjoyed my job for the most part, but it never filled any of my creative side and I think that part drained me over time and created a huge wall of stress around me. I was a mother at 25, having been married for five years at that point and still discovering myself in many ways. We were broke as could be but we worked and worked to make it so I could stay home with our son- something that had been my dream job since I was a tiny little girl. At the time, I could hardly believe I finally got to do this after five years of working to support my college-attending man.
I never understood why I had such stress-filled nightmares, post-working to be honest. I didn't even like talking about this subject with my working mom friends very much. We all have a story about work, being able to stay home, not being able to, wishing we could, wishing we could leave... there's no right answer because it's all very individual. All I knew was that I really didn't ever want to go back. To work. Ever. Period. Just thinking about it would put that deep panic in my heart and I'd start having that same stressful banking dream where I'd find myself inexplicably nursing some baby (mine were grown) and counting cash to a stranger. Super weird.
, here. Countless opportunities that have helped us make all the ends meet have come from this little 'ole blog such as being hired to photograph items for people, sharing products and promotions, etc. Recently, I got the amazing opportunity to begin working part time, for a friend who also happens to be a professional organizer. One night a few weeks ago it occurred to me that I've been given an amazing gift. I love my jobs! All of them! I've had to drop a couple of commitments that I loved in the name of balance during this season, but I'm still able to do many of the things I enjoy that help our household. Which got me thinking. This car situation... if I am seeing the way God has worked out part time work on my behalf these past few years, how on earth do I ever justify working myself up into a tizzy about how He is going to work out all the details about that!?
The point is this. God has opened crazy doors that I'd never have dreamed up on my own, and I'm thankful and realizing that His plans for me are far better than the ones I'd have written on my own behalf if I was in charge. So because of that I will be thankful for His plans and I will continue to choose to trust. I'm sure I won't get it right every minute of every day, but hopefully I can keep this truth in mind when I begin to panic because all I have to do is look backward and see His faithfulness to this family and how He has filled this life with GOODNESS.
How about you- anything you're looking backward on and tucking away as a reminder for today's unanswered questions?
(**In the mean-time I've been working out some of that waiting time with the unknown in the studio, and I've got a few new items on my shop shelves . (pictured, above) (I'm finishing a few summery prints and hope to get them listed soon.) For now I've got my new logo image (the ball jar and lemons) in my shop, along with those cute laminated grocery lists. (Click here to shop.)**)