Saturday, January 24, 2015

I always wonder if other people feel like this...

It's been a while since a wild heart outpouring on here but I'm feeling it today... and not even any photos.  Gasp!

I crawl inside my head sometimes and poke around at things that have settled into the corners, stirring up dust and coughing while I try and sort through the dried bits and cobwebs.  What I often come up with is a treasure or something that simply needs a bit of polish to return to it's former shine.  I'm hoping this is one of those days but I'm processing as I write.  (Also similar to real life where I process while I talk "it out.") (Which incidentally probably freaked my introverted husband when we first began until he figured that one out!)

The point.  I'm dying of loneliness over here!  Many years ago, we were blessed with one of those rare groups of friends where the kids were all the same ages, the hubbies got along great and hung out by the BBQ together, and the women... well we loved deeply.  We scheduled playdates, planned events, hosted gatherings and did daily life side by side.  We were there for pregnancy cravings, birthday parties (nearly every weekend in a group with 14 littles under aged 5) births- literally in the room sometimes- there for father's day golfing and mother's day spa-ing (made up word) and holidays in between like July 4th.  I have to be honest, they were so much more fun than our families that we said yes to them and no to family more often than not, which had lasting consequences of course.  I regret that so very much.  I regretted it even more when a couple things went sideways, deception started happening, and lies started being told.  It was toxic at it's finest and my heart began breaking as it all imploded.  It's been years now and things are mercifully forgiven ... we sometimes pass one another at a store, stop and exchange sweet pleasantries but then we part and go about our life as though that depth never existed.  I'll be honest, that part always makes me twinge slightly.  It all changed me, I'm not going to lie. 

I certainly don't trust like I once did, and once I've invited again and again, and pursued and gotten told "No, No, too busy, can't, other plans... " I tend to run away and don't try anymore for fear of more constant rejection.  (Which I realize is totally weird and I should really try and change that.) I have to pretty much talk myself back down and remind myself that life really is probably too busy for them to fit us in... but then (raw honesty) I cry because their life is too busy to fit us in, and ours is often so empty, we have tons of places to fit anyone in, and THEN I'm done because I can only take so many no's before I stop trying.  I can't for the life of me pick it back up once I've had the thought, "Okay, I can take a hint" cross my mind.  Damaged and messy... Oh I hate it but that's raw truth from deep inside my friend-longing heart. 

Years after the great friend implosion as I mentally call it, I began to make new friends and life moved, ever forward.  Last year, a couple relationships ended and I realized today that I'm still in recovery if not right back where I was processing things from a decade ago!  After all this time. 

I still have a few stuck-like-glue girls I could call in a crisis. But that's what most of our friendships have resorted to, since life at this stage is a full out RUN behind our teens/tweens- Crisis intervention only.  It will settle.  I know this. But it's so hard to make new friends at this stage when I don't have all afternoon to sit on a park bench and watch my kids swing while I get to know a local mom.  I was thinking the other day, it feels impossible and borderline creepy to try and make friends at this stage.  For one, everyone seems to kind of already "have their friend SETS".. and for another my avenues for new friend making feel limited to church (still working on that small group)... and maybe the occasional school situation, work, and the pool I swim at. (Which is a whole other ball game and quickly goes from friendly to "whoa back off lady, wiggling out of your one piece in the locker room." Know what I mean? Let's just laugh at that okay?  This has been a heavy one and I'm sorry for that but it does have a few light places so we can trap those and soak them in for just a moment.) (Actually the truth is, I don't even really talk to the people at the pool- They all know each other and visit, I feel like the new kid, too shy to walk up and say hello and they aren't saying hello to me either and now enough time has passed that it's just weird, like I'm the antisocial non-hi-sayer.)

I think this all means one thing.  I'm a basket case!  Or maybe... it just means I'm lonesome and want some balanced friendships but that takes time, which I don't feel like I have, because I want them now... just being honest.  And maybe it also means that trusting others with my heart is a lot harder for me than it actually looks from the outside, since most people think they know exactly what I'm thinking and think I hold nothing back, which isn't strictly true anymore.  I didn't know that about myself until I re-read what I said.  I'll have to think about this some more. And I fear that I could keep writing with all kinds of thoughts on this.  So I'd better stop here for the moment... but I would like to hear what you have to say on friendship!    

If you have any thoughts, encouragement or advice, I'll take it. 


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33 comments:

  1. I Feel exactly like you do and take the nos hard and then don't try and feel isolated. No advice, just me too in MO.

    Blessings
    Lisa

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  2. Dear Sasha, my heart bleeds tears for you and feels that ache. (You too, Lisa).
    Who hasn't been there I don't know. Somehow when in a season like you're experiencing, I am impacted by the weight of brokenness that sin causes in the world (and which infiltrates a little too close to home). My greatest hope is looking forward to Heaven when many of those hard/broken/lost relationships will be restored in perfection.
    Until then, there are some awfully lonely sections of road. I bet every woman who leaves a comment here will relate to what you've been processing, and I bet every one of them would like to be that new friend for you. It seems the irony of relationships formed over distances, that we have the privilege of baring our hearts to each other without being exposed in real person. Ha.
    I will be praying for you, my friend, that the Lord would favor you with one or a few precious friendships that you can enjoy like your heart desires. I'll ask that this season be a time of drawing you closer in friendship with Him, and that your loneliness would be of short duration for His glory!
    May I add something? I am in that whirlwind season that has a hard time initiating - and even accepting invitations I am honored to receive - but my life is not full of other friends and activities, just the fullness of home and all these people that live within. I am SO BLESSED by those friends who will initiate contact with me. Who call ME. For some reason it feels hard to get to the phone to dial out right now, but I will pick up or call back to someone who reaches out to me. I am so thankful for this. SO thankful. Please keep after those ladies who you love. They love you. They are not too busy for you Sasha, they are just trying to keep their heads above water. In times where life feels too full, friends like you, who extend grace over and over and who keep after me, bless my socks off!
    Also, I would gently prod you to seek friendships in unlikely places. I think the Lord may provide that girl-friend who pops in with pajama bottoms and ice cream, but until He provides that gift, there is some amazing sweetness in friendships with those ten years older or ten years younger... that's all. :-)

    You are very very loved. Hang in there.

    ~Analene

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    1. Oh girl. Thank you. I Honestly know the truth of all you said. Wish it would sink in and I could shrug off the no's & keep initiating. I am working on not feeling the hurt- been burned so many times I am cautious but you are right. And also about the differing kinds of friends. I am seeing that too...i kind of forget!! Thanks for helping me lift my eyes a bit.

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    2. Oh girl. Thank you. I Honestly know the truth of all you said. Wish it would sink in and I could shrug off the no's & keep initiating. I am working on not feeling the hurt- been burned so many times I am cautious but you are right. And also about the differing kinds of friends. I am seeing that too...i kind of forget!! Thanks for helping me lift my eyes a bit.

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    3. Sasha, thank you...I truly thought these feelings belong to me, and only me!!! I am 57 years old and a single Mom of an amazing 21 year old daughter, very blessed! But, sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming! I do work six days a week at a family owned business with that family-feel, which does help. I am also an only child, my sweet Daddy is deceased and my Mom is 84, so, even family has changed a lot. Thank you for sharing!! Thanks and prayers for all of us...

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  4. I could have written this. Every word of it. Which of course means that I have no input but wanted to let you know you are not alone.

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  5. Are you sure you don't want to move to NEOhio? I could save the empty house next door for you!! GAH - those would be some FUN friendship times! xo All I can say in response to your post is... you are not alone. It isn't you. It is this world/these times that we live it. Truly. Love you, girlie!!

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  6. Sasha, we are in the same season right now. While my girls are at dance each week, two of Ava's friends' moms talk about their circle of friends. We all live in the same town. And today my girls were at a birthday party and two of the moms (this time Caroline's friends) were talking about their group going out this evening for someone's birthday. It is both awkward and somewhat hurtful. Not to mention social media and how hurtful that can be. I just put my faith in the Lord and pray that there is a reason for all of this! You are not alone! I am here on the East Coast with the same situation! And I am too nervous to ask a few of the moms that I think I would enjoy spending time with to meet for coffee because I fear the rejection or I think that their cup full of "friends" is already overflowing. I know that is silly to think, but that is how my brain works! Do you also find that you spend more time worrying about the kids staying in the social loop and worrying about who they are hanging around with that my needs for companionship get pushed aside? So, long story short, you are not alone I am right there with you! XOXOXO

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  7. I have spent a lifetime.. a lifetime being the odd girl out. I moved when I was 9 years old (turned 40 last year), and left behind the first friends I ever had in my life, and have spent the rest of my life trying to make new friends. It has been such a struggle. At each stage of my life, it has been such a lonely time. When my kids were little I had no one but family, and one really good friend, who I had a falling out with. I had moved out here, in 2001, and in all that time, I have made maybe 3 really good friend. 1 moved away, 1 is getting ready to move away at the end of this year, and one was a co-worker whom I don't work with anymore, and struggle to stay in touch with. I feel so alone sometimes, as even family lives far away and it's all virtual contact. I am in a busy season of life with teens/young adults, and the rest of our family has very young children.. which we did alone... and the disconnect is very real and difficult. I have done the reaching out, only to be shut down thing, and you are right. Eventually you stop, as much as you don't want to. My feelings get hurt, because it is hard for me to put myself out there. I am not a naturally social person, and those times when I reach out, are hard for me. My self-esteem is low, and those no's, or the silence just reaffirms what I already feel... that I am not good enough. I have no advice, short of keep trying, and hang in there. I regret, probably like everyone else, that we don't live closer. I'd happily be IRL friends with you, busy season and all. ((hugs))

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  8. You are not alone.
    I never really had close girl friends in school and because we have moved more than 8 times in our 23 years of marriage I never had a chance to form close relationships. I did but then they ended when we moved. It wasn't till we moved to our current house that I made friends with two other girls. They are moms to my youngest friends. I loved when we would get together and when we would talk for what seemed like hours on the phone. The boys had a falling out and things got ugly between the adults and now we only ever say hi when we bump into one another. It has been almost five years since our friendship ended and it still hurts. I long to have that kind of relationship but like you I will settle. Sorry I have no advise but wanted to let you know you are not a basket case and your not at all alone.

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  9. Oh Sasha, I WISH I had advice. I could've written this myself - right down to the friend implosion. :-/ I am lonely too, and what once seemed easy (really, I could walk right in to any room & come out with a friend) seems impossible now.

    I wish I had advice, because I know how you feel & that would mean I've figured it out for myself. Prayers for you.

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  10. Oh Sasha, this is someone your mother's age talking here.... I have often longed to have that one treasured friend that I have known all of my life.... (my late husband's job took us to different places a few times) I do have friends, but it seems that some have come and gone, sometimes because of distance in miles, sometimes because of distance at heart..... I truly have to believe that some friends have been put in my life just exactly when God knew I needed a friend... I lost probably one of the dearest friends I had ever had passed away 3 years ago to a sudden death. She was a better friend to me than I have ever had! Sometimes friendships are just hard!! Hugs to you!

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  11. So sorry you are feeling the loss of friendships. It's always been difficult for me to make friends. I'm not outgoing and sparkly like you, but more introspective and quiet. But, here we are, in the same space. It occurred to me several years ago that I needed to trust that God would put the right people in my life. There was a woman who lived down the street who also had a child on the autism spectrum and I was dying to go down there and introduce myself so that we could become friends. Then something told me to be patient. I waited and a couple of years later I became her son's tutor. I'm not tutoring him anymore, but he and my son have become friends and she and I are also friends. Good friends. I just knew that if I trusted God, it would happen and it did. I only have a handful of true, blue friends and you know what? That's enough. God always provides, girl. Sending you peace and comfort today...

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  12. oh friend...you are not the only one...i think this stage in life most tween moms will tell you that it's been a stage of mom-loneliness. i've been there too! the enemy wants you to feel alone & isolated and if that's your forever reality. i encourage you on a spiritual note to set your heart on truths and scriptures about being loved & seen. it might sound cheesy but in times like this i try to think outside of me & maybe another area i can pour into...a place that needs help or volunteer...or perhaps reach out to a young mama who feels alone with diapers and bottles and love on her. YOU have MUCH to give my FRIEND <3

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  13. I have no advice. Just that you are not alone. I can relate so much. I didn't know you swim. I am length swimmer.

    lea
    xo

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  14. Hugs and warm wishes to you.
    I think we have all been there at some point and some are still in that lonely place that seems never-ending. I am so blessed at this time in my life to have a small circle of very close friends, but we all work hard on our friendship and we include our partners too.
    I agree that building friendships seems so much easier when the children are small and you have common links with other mothers. But as our children grow, distance between the friends we made at that age can often grow too.
    You have a warm heart and and a generous spirit. Your friends IRL are there - you just haven't found each other yet.
    In the meantime - you have an abundance of virtual friends and we are all holding you in our thoughts and prayers,
    xxx

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  15. Now fast forward about 25 years ... that's where I am. My husband has gone to be with the Lord and my married boys' lives are wrapped up in their wives' families. I moved back from out of state to be closer to them and the grandchildren, and I still don't see them often. It's nothing overt; we have fun the 1 or 2 times a year we get together, but they are just busy, busy, busy. This is the curse of our fast-paced culture ... everyone is too busy to stop by for a glass of lemonade ... Disneyland and the beach have a stronger draw.

    After raising 3 boys in a fun, active house, it's daunting to have it all down to just me and the dog ... but that's not all there is, is it? I have the Lord, and that's the key, even if it sounds trite. Almighty God, the creator of the universe, lives in my home and heart, and that makes all the difference.

    I'm sorry to say it was hard to transition my attention over to God as my whole relationship thing .. but it was. It's something I work on every day. And I have learned to reach out in a different way in my little world. Instead of friends who will share with me, I have learned to be a sort of delivery girl trying to reach out to others who are older and more alone. And there are always older lonely folks nearby. I don't want to sound like a saint, but I absolutely have turned my focus outward. I take soup to a neighbor who is bed-ridden, and drop cookies off to others who are hungry for homemade goodies. (Very few folks bake from scratch in my area -- sigh.)

    So I don't know what to tell you, except to keep enjoying the kids while they are still home, and keep seeking that intimate relationship with the Lord because that is life itself.

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  16. I was in the same situation about 10 years ago when there was a split in our church~so my heart was broken for the loss of friendships and it was also spiritually broken in the lies of Satan. The doors that closed really took me by surprise and suddenly I went from having 5-6 great friends to zero.....and God, through time, brought each of those women back to me as they encountered the same lies.....our friendships aren't the same but we are in touch...one thing I was struck by as I read the other comments...how many women said "I just moved..or I didn't have close friends growing up because I moved"...maybe there is someone who has moved into your area and is seeking a friend who if familiar to the area...maybe YOU are the answer to her prayers....not sure how to find her but I truly think someone is out there longing to be Sasha's BFF...

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  17. Initiation is hard. Rejection is harder. Loneliness is the hardest. But still we rise. Keep rising Sasha and being who God has meant you to be. He knows your heart's desires and I just know some new, authentic friendships are just around the bend♡

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  18. Sash, I so feel for you on this one. You and I have talked about this before and it just does not get any easier! I find myself feeling the same way DAILY. It twists the heart, makes us doubt ourselves and who we are. I have read all of the comments from others saying "ME TOO"! Let's start a group Sasha! I know NOTHING beats a close friend in person, but what if we started something on social media and we could find someone nearby who we didn't know existed!Or maybe just a weekly tea party where we air our gripes and passions. You can call or email me any time. Wish I could make it better :)

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  19. Looks like there are quite a few of us out there! I too could have written this post for you almost word for word. I am 51 yrs "young" and have 3 beautiful girls and a husband that I am happy to have put first in my life. Unfortunately I have let my need for female friendships go! When our daughters,(26, 24 and 19) were growing up there was a group of us that would get together for coffee and such weekly. Then I moved away and that sort of relationship to other women my age was gone. We moved back to the same small town 4 yrs later and pretty much everything was different. The same women were here (born and raised for generations) but the group was no longer. It was hard to try and pick that back up. Then of course the children were all older and off doing their own thing. My husband and I in our 31 yrs of marriage NEVER ever had "couple friends". Oh we tried a couple times to be part of the group with a few of the women friends I had from a part time job I had. But they had all gone to school with each other and we moved to this town as adults with children. Never quite fit in and my husband is an only child and is quite introverted.....it's so hard! When we moved back after that 4 yrs away I tried to get those old friendships back. But it didn't work out! I do think the children play a big part in women's friendships. If the children have a falling out, unfortunately it does play a part in the Mom's friendships. I tried very hard on my part, but found that it didn't quite go that way on the other side. So, I too am "friendless" I have come to realize that my husband is my only true friend and my girls as they grow older are filling a void of sorts for the female companionship that I need! I am at the point of wanting to "renew" those old friendships, but afraid of the rejections that I received in the past. NO hurts! I'm busy hurts too!.... Although I have no answers, I do think that this post is a very important one because it shows us that others are out there hurting that we are not alone! Maybe that is one reason there are so many blogs out there written by women....to show that there are more of us then we realize! Thank you for opening up this topic and speaking about your feelings!

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  20. Oh Sasha, my heart goes out to you. I have been in exactly that spot. Lots of friends, totally intertwined and then it all imploded. I was left a total gasping for air mess. My heart literally hurt. As luck would have it, we ended up moving a year and half later due to my husbands job. My boys were in 4th and 7th grade. We moved to a much larger city, much larger schools etc. I just hid. I was so afraid of getting hurt again. My boys were at an age where you don't sit in the driveway while they play and even if they were we lived at the end of a childless cul-de-sac and at the top of a very steep drive. No chatting with the other moms unless I went and stood in their driveways, ackward. It has been 11 years. I have met many women in those years and they all seem to have groups of friends, jobs, whatever but not time for me. My boys are now both in college and still it wasn't until the last couple of years that I have finally started opening up my heart and letting people in. While I still don't have that group of girlfriends to hang out with but what I have learned is that I do have friends. Lots of them, it is just a different season. I have learned to take it for what it is. My best friend is my husband and that is ok. The friends I do have are not at all into the things I like to do and that is ok too. I have also learned to not take it so personally when I get a no from someone. More than likely they really do have something already on their plate and if not, if it is just a no because they don't want to spend their time with me, well then that is their loss, not mine. I have often thought when I read your posts that if we lived closer we could just hang out together. We would have a ball. So hang in there. It will get better.

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  21. I just read this and your follow up and commented there first. I have been feeling lonely and out of the "mom friend" loop as well. It is not what I had envisioned happening, but it is. I tend to stand back and watch, but several weeks ago, I put a plan into motion. Every Thursday I invite one friend over for lunch...just us. (Now...granted this will be the third week and I am rapidly running out of close friends...I am going to try and branch out of my comfort zone and invite acquaintances soon...THAT is scary for me.) What I anticipated was ME feeling less lonely...ME feeling better. What I am discovering is that these ladies I invite into my home for a bowl of soup are opening up with me and sharing things that they hadn't before. They are starving for compassion and a friend too. What I started doing to make ME feel better is helping THEM feel better....which makes ME feel valued and appreciated. Does any of this make sense? I am so glad you opened up and shared, Sasha. You are not alone in this and your words help others. Truly.

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    1. Thank you for this. I have started making lunch dates over the past year as well and found the same thing. So many women are in this same spot feeling lonely. The conversations are a little deeper one on one. I tend to be a little quiet anyway and get lost in groups so I have found this works best for me.

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  22. I want to tell you that I so identify with this. We recently relocated 6 hours away from everyone we know. My kids are 12 and 14. Far from the age of park bench afternoons although I remember them so fondly. How does a 39 year old make friends? I work from home. I suttle my kids around. Even when they do meet up with friends drop offs and pick ups are from a distance. How do I unlock that world I see from a distance? I actually joined a local Facebook groups for moms. I met the two friends I have here through there. But when I have an abundance of time and the two friends I have have fun lives of there own I am left alone a lot. I certainly need to me mindful not to stalk them with constant invitations. Lunch everyday anyone?

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  23. I can relate. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in feeling this way. I am a bit of an introvert but can be a lot of fun if I'm with people I know well and I'm comfortable with. I have 4 girls but had them later in life than my best friends did. The last one really late in life (43). So all my friends kids are married or away at University for living on their own, which gives them a lot more freedom and spare time that I have right now. I have 3 teenagers and an eight year old at home. Can you say busy!!
    One of my best friends from childhood and forever, betrayed me in the worst way and I am now scared to get close to someone again. I am lucky that I have 6 sisters than I am extremely close to and we do a lot together. But it is hard to see all the women your own age posting on social media and not be included. Especially because we live in a very small town.
    I am your friend....that's why I read your blog and follow you on instagam. You are funny and sweet and kind and interesting. Unfortunately, we live in different countries. Darn.....Michelle from Canada

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  24. Its so funny I'm reading this post just now. I just came from a school function with my kids, and EVERYONE, including the kids, were in their own 'cliques'. I don't usually mind being a loner, but it does hurt when I realize that I'm keeping my kids from being in one of those groups, because you know, the kids will usually hang with their parents friends kids. It's days like today that I just want to keep them home forever and never let them out ;). I'm so sorry you feel alone, I've got to be honest, it seems your old friends are missing out on such a loving friend as yourself.

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  25. I have lots of "uncommon friendships" meaning friends that don't necessarily have typical things in common with me (i.e., kids the same age). I'm glad all my friends aren't unmarried and single and in my age range.

    Here is a blog post I wrote about one of my friends: http://ellenpatton.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-maine-friend-jean.html

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  26. Girl, you are so not alone. I have this book in my stack to read but am a little embarrassed to have needed a book to tell me what my 2nd grader just gets. http://www.amazon.com/Friendship-Crisis-Finding-Keeping-Friends/dp/1594861579/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1422464168&sr=1-9&keywords=making+friends I am taking the paint splatter approach to this right now - scattering invitations around like glitter and seeing what happens. Maybe someone won't be my bestie but we can have fun catching a movie while the kids are in school or chatting on the sidelines or whatever. Just don't give up on people because who knows what is really going on in their lives. Maybe they aren't feeling lovable at the moment and can't accept your invitation or maybe they feel overwhelmed with their lives. Just give them grace and in the same breath give yourself grace. Looking forward to meeting this spring if we do head north!!

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  27. Dear Sasha

    I don't have any words of wisdom but I have a beautiful quote from CS Lewis: "“In friendship…we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends, “Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.” The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”

    Thank you for your blog. I really enjoy reading it.

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  28. oh do i know how you feel!
    Long story short, I grew up in a place,left, and had to leave everyone I pretty much new and grew up with...all my friends,everything.
    i've been trying to built friendships now for 8yrs....it's hard!
    I miss sharing life with people,having friends to stop by for coffee,watch a movie,kids playing in the pool....doing life together.
    been a source of sadness and frustration for me. I know the Lord gives us all we need,so I'm trying to rest in that.

    I appreciate your open,transparent heart...you are a doll, and I can tell you are a "true friend"....wish you were close,i'd give you a big hug and take you out for coffee :)
    People are missing out! You have so very much to give....its hard to find a true friend who will encourage you in the Lord...it's a treasure!

    hugs!!!

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  29. I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address aisabulovespell@gmail.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Aisabu. His email: aisabulovespell@gmail.com.,

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