Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I hear them talking

 
They roll their eyes and mutter "sheesh" under their breath as they stomp away.  They slam doors and cross their arms and refuse to listen.  They say things that hurt and claim I'm a nasty old woman sometimes.  They yell and say "No!" just like a toddler and hurl angry words through hormonal tears and outbursts that shock.

Sometimes I rise to the bait and other times I have to cover a smile.  Occasionally, I get it right and stay calm, using soothing, teaching words, firm consequences and grace.  More often than not, I blow it so utterly and completely that I shake my head late into the night and wonder who I am anymore.  I believe that I'm making more mistakes than I can fix.  I cry or feel like an awful failure, convinced that everything I've ever taught them from the time I could fold their tiny hands together in thankful prayers until now, has been for nothing.

 And then, as I lug a heavy laundry basket around a corner, feeling overwhelmed as most mamas do on occasion, and I'm just about to raise my voice and screech that I'm tired of "having to turn every light off in every room for crying out loud," I hear them talking.

They are in his bedroom, both holding a little pet bird on their fingers, talking casually, just the two of them.  She asks how he is doing with memorizing the Lord's prayer and he says "Good, how about you?" I stand quietly, straining to hear more, and she says, "I have an idea! Let's tell them to each other."  He agrees and they proceed to recite the Lord's prayer to each other over the course of the next few minutes.  They encourage one another in a few word stumbles and praise each other as they try again to get it word-perfect... and I weep. 

I weep, because I never told them to do this.  They heard a few sermons at church, about the Lord's prayer and how we should talk to God and somehow between themselves, they came up with the idea of memorizing it.  In spite of me.  In spite of my mama-failings.  In spite of all the times I think they don't listen and I'll never get through, and I realize this truth- He is more than enough and He is all we need and He is capable of pursuing the child who proclaims that God doesn't hear his prayers and maybe doesn't even exist and He WILL pursue because He loves them more than I ever could, and in a perfect way that rolls over the top of my failings and covers them heavily, like thick white paint over ugly furniture.

And it makes me think, as I enter into the season of Lent, and the laying down of myself to follow Christ authentically.  Becoming less so that He can become more, and struggling to make the meaningful happen in the midst of the urgent and continually falling quite short.  As I see how God cares for the hearts of my children, how precious and reassured I feel, that He cares equally for the heart of me.  And also, for the heart of YOU as well, dear one.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
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15 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this, Miss Sasha.♥

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  2. Thank you so much for posting this. I'm a Mama of a 24 year old son who doesn't think that God has time to listen to his prayers and even wonders if there is a God at times. So, I pray that God would soften the Boys heart and quiet him so that he can hear God voice. And maybe just maybe, he is laying in bed tonight saying the Lords prayer and God will quicken his heart and let him know I hear ya.

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  3. "Becoming less so that He can become more".....Oh my. ♥

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  4. Thanks for sharing! I really needed to hear this. One 23 yr old who says she doesn't believe, breaks my heart. I pray that God will hold onto her even when she isn't holding on to Him.

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  5. What a precious post! You have such a wonderful way with words Sasha. Blessings!

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  6. Simply beautiful. As a new mama this is so comforting to me.

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  7. My friend, you have such a gift of words!!! So open and honest but most importantly you speak words of encouragement. It is done in a soft, gently way that other "get it". I am so blessed to have met you (online) and you post right a the right times... :-) ~hugs~ Your an awesome Mama!

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  8. Perfect insight, Sasha. Thanks for sharing.

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  9. What a beautiful reminder that He indeed is enough!

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  10. Dear Sasha, My own eyes swim with tears. I know those feelings, those questions, those frustrations, the weight of those concerns. And then I see and hear around corners and in quiet places, those things which confound my reason and I marvel. I rejoice with you today that the Lord gave you a secret peek to encourage your heart! I'm so glad that He IS enough.
    Thanks Lord.

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  11. i love your heart. you will get through these hard years. you will. can't wait to squeeze you soon.

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  12. Tears, tears and more tears. Praising Him for allowing you to overhear that precious moments between your kids. How marvelous that He can work through every part of us to get what He is after in our children. Thank you for sharing. It means so much!

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  13. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea (and jam drop cookies) reading your blog while I recover from the dramas of Monday morning with an anxious 15yo daughter, and I SO understand where you are at. The tantrums, the rudeness, the impatience, the blaming everyone else, but then, then, the open bible seen on a desk, the willing heart teaching kids church preschoolers. For me it's a realization that it is not my time to teach my girls, so much as others'. Sometimes all I can do is try to react in a godly way and show them I am faithful in my own walk with God. (Although there is plenty of failing in both those). And to be thankful for youth leaders and new friends and God's faithfulness with our family.

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  14. Hello sweet friend. After 16 months away from everything bloggy, I am dipping my toes in with a new blog.

    I have missed you . . . your words . . . your photos . . . your pondering . . . your sweet smile. I have just peaked at a couple of posts, but look forward to a late night of catching up with blog friends (as I read through your blogs).

    love & hugs & prayers to you . . .

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  15. I'm sitting here reading your blog...The posts about Becky's visit, the giveaway, your tinbox post, and now this...We've had teenage struggles lately, I've been allowing myself to get frustrated. I bookmarked an article to read from Desiring God about how Satan hates our children...And then, just a few hours ago, I found out that one of my best girlfriends when I was growing up, lost her Dad in a car accident this morning...

    So quickly, it's allll in perspective. Thanks for helping with that! I praise God for this post and all of the years that went into it! :)

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