Monday, February 22, 2016

Me, right now. Heart snapshots.

I have been wanting to write a deep, heartfelt post for months, but then if I had written this one months ago, I wouldn't be writing what I'm writing today.  So there you go.  We're smack in the middle of Lent and as many of you know, that's just about one of my favorite seasons of the year.  (Yes, I call it a season.  There are five you know... Winter, Lent, Spring, Summer and Autumn.) (grin) (Also the photos are part of my February 365.  Though if I'm being honest, they are the only ones I've taken for the project so far, this month.) (Grace.) 
50mm lens; 1/60s f/4.5 ISO2000

Lent always feels like a fresh 40 day period to get my act together, figure out what sins I need to stop committing, repent for them, and basically get my heart right before celebrating Easter. This time of year, there are tons of promotions for self-examining our hearts and I tend to recoil from what I find in myself.  This season, I have found myself working in constant effort, to try and stop being so controlling of my circumstances, the people around me, and our unknown future.  That boomerangs me into a constant scrambling to quit being so angry because I wasn't in control of previously mentioned un-know-ables, not to mention what I did, said, acted like etc, when I lashed out in anger since I wasn't... uh... in control and apparently didn't like that very much.  

Or something like that.

See, the thing is, I live half my life feeling that way.  The other half  of the time, I feel afraid because I've actually started to understand, that because I'm not in control, I've got to learn a lot of things the hard way. Which means, God might have to allow hard circumstances, in order to bring me through to the other side.

That idea often makes me feel angry and then I follow that feeling up by feeling a bit out of control.

You see?  It's not a good cycle. 

50mm lens; 1/60s f/4.5 ISO2000
So I'm working on practicing that old tried and tested thankfulness thing because of something that happened last month with my Dad's Alzheimers.  I've been watching our family deal collectively with the emotions that surround and I don't remember the exact circumstances, but there was a moment... I looked at Adrain through some tears and said, "Heaven will be so much better than this."

I already know this, but sometimes I forget (especially when I'm in the out-of-control, angry, acting out because I'm angry and not in control cycle) (aka- adult temper tantrum) that no matter what God allows, good or bad or in between, it's all for an end goal of His glory, through me.  And in all things, I can say THANK YOU for every unknown and mean it... because Heaven will always, always, always be better than this.  If it's good, Heaven will be so much better.  If it's awful and my worst fears are confirmed... Heaven will be better. 

I need to write this down for me, so bear with me as I preach at myself for a sec- Its always going to be about lifting my eyes from the moment I'm in, (and myself, and how I'm feeling about it) and start being thankful for IT, in it and because of it, so that I can look to the One who holds all the control over my life and times. I know that hardship is a fact of life but God guides the way out and I can't let myself fear it so much that I try to control every little thing around me while I wait for the "what if's" to ring true.  Nobody wins there.  So just stop it, girl. 

50mm lens; 1/60s f/4.5 ISO 1000
If our unknowns end up squashing us, or life is great, then it's all been for a purpose to grow us up.  Tears will fall some days.  Good will happen other days.  But through them all, taking hands off the wheel we aren't steering anyway gives us a chance to lift them with our thankful hearts and proclaim  that Heaven will be better than this.

So that's me, right now, in a snapshot.  How are you?

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Melanie said...

I hear you, Sasha. Lent is a pretty reflective season, and we don't always like what we see in the mirror. The fact that we ARE looking is testament enough that we want to make a change for the better, so chin up girl! I too, struggle with the control issue. I don't think I'm over the top about it, but with two headstrong kiddos aged 10 and 12 it's hard to loosen the reins when you want so badly to steer them in the right direction. It is hard. Breathe. Be kind to yourself. The only person you can truly control is you. None of us is perfect and God knows this. Faith will always heal you through the hard times. Enjoy the rest of the Season. Hugs x Melanie

slip4 said...

Sasha, wow. I really needed to hear this today, and I am going to bookmark it to read again and again. I am a bit of a control freak, and this is a hard season. Husband out of a job going on 6 months, and because I really care about what happens in our country, this election season (early on, I know!) has me down. What is wrong with us (USA?)?? Anyway, hearing that "taking hands off the wheel we aren't steering anyway" lets us lift them in gratitude is what I need to focus on!! Thanks! Love your blog.

Jensamom23 said...

Not being in control...or believing I am...scares the bejeebers out of be. It seems as though I am always grasping one last tie for that control. Letting go and trusting completely in God and his plan is a struggle. Although it makes no sense....who am I to think I know better? Jeeeesh. Thanks for sharing, Sasha. You always offer insight in some way.

Lisa Mothersead said...

I don't know if this will help but, the very hard year and a half I spent helping my mom with my (alzheimers) dad, was me at my best. At the time, I felt all the loss of control...feelings, too. I felt I was doing a horrible job, cuz I excel at organization, planning, and such. Not, this crazy stuff. My husband (neuropsychologist) was frequently complimented on his great skills and I felt just horrible and useless the whole time. But, 12 years later, my daighter wrote a short story for a college class about me. And how (at 5 and 6) she saw me caring for a beloved father so lovingly. That WAS me at my best. Not perfect. Not even enjoying it. But there, as God intended. Hang in there, Sasha. You care. You'll make a difference.

HeidiFerguson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HeidiFerguson said...

Sasha- as a three time Breast Cancer survivor (it's come back twice since I had a double mastectomy at age 36) I can tell you-I NEVER LONGED FOR HEAVEN AS MUCH AS I DID DURING THAT TIME (enduring chemo-16 treatments in all and having to shave my head twice during a year long period). I'm blessed, God healed me (after being stage 4 with 6 tumors-three of which were in my liver) I am cancer free (I'm 42 now). Our family had never been closer with each other or God. It seems strange to say this, but I miss those times, the closeness with HIM. We were on our knees everyday. The intimacy, the truths, the sadness and the triumphs. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond happy to still be here with my family, friends, husband & 15 year old son; however, I realized through out all of this that our Lord has given me a longing that I didn't have before. Heaven is gunna be beyond comprehension. For now though, He's opened my eyes to blessings never appreciated. My heart was made bigger for those in need and so much less judgmental. Cancer taught me to slow down and that it's okay to be still (something I was never good at before!). I know Alzheimer's is a different beast but I know you and your family will be better for it. So sorry, you must endure this trial. Our Lord will hold you tighter than ever before, I promise.

suzyq said...

Wow...thank you for this precious testimony to faith. ♥

Susanne said...

Hugs - - funny thing, I year ago, I felt like I was growing more and more confident in my faith - but after last year (father & father-in-law both passing, among other family members - 7 total) & a mother in law with dementia - - I have come to realize (& accept) it's all Him, not me, & it's all day by day because of His grace. Through it all though - - I can honestly say, there is always, always, always something to be thankful for. We might be thankful with tear stains on our cheeks - but yes, thankful. Prayers for your sweet family as you work through this new & difficult season (another one) in your life.

Susanne said...

.........maybe what I was trying to say was I was "all pumped up on Christian cliches" and then life happened......again, by the grade of God. ♥

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